Needs at Work

What are “Needs” and why do they have everything to do with how things go at work?

Do you remember the last time someone pushed your buttons?  

In that instant, did it seem like they crossed the line, almost intentionally? 

What emotions got triggered, and how did you control your reaction?

That emotional reaction comes from having a need that isn’t being met, and this is important because almost every single ridiculous thing that happens between people at work, happens because someone has a need that isn’t being met.  Most of us aren’t aware of our needs.  We just experience spurts of annoyance and frustration with each other, but in a work environment, it’s an ongoing battle of unresolved animosity that undermines trust, communication, and productivity to the nth degree. 

We may be able to hold ourselves back from reacting in the moment, but then we vent like crazy to our friends, we “forget” to provide information that the “button pusher” needs, we go out of our way to avoid him or her, and our judgments of each other get harsher.  Eventually we decide we simply can’t work together at all. 

All it takes is one struggle like this on a team to undermine productivity, but most teams have several “button pushing incidents” going on in tandem, and repeating themselves regularly.

If you make it your business to understand how needs work, you have the power to break through the barriers and maintain a productive work environment, both for yourself and your team. 

Here are a few tips to get started:

1. Keep a log of all of your “emotional reactions” at work.  Write down the situation and ask yourself “what did I need in this moment?”   Listen to the first word or phrase that comes up, and write it down – even if it seems silly.  

2. Once your log gets long enough, see if you can find a pattern.  If the same words or phrases repeat themselves, you may have nailed an important need.  You will also notice that the same people or situations will serve as a trigger for the need, over and over again.

3. At first, it will seem like the only solution is to make the person who is “pushing your buttons” change their behavior and treat you differently.  Often the person is someone you have to work with a lot, like your boss, team-mate or subordinate.  Unfortunately, you have to start this process by accepting that the person in question will probably not change.   BUT the good news is that as you do the needs work, focused on YOURSELF, your reactions to the person move to neutral, and as a result you are able to provide more effective feedback, and the person does  change.   You just have to be willing to take the indirect route, work on yourself first, and trust that things will end up changing as a result. 

4. The person who really has control of getting your needs met is YOU, even though it seems like other people are the source of what you need.   What you’ll realize once you do some thinking, is that you have more power than you think, and you’ll also begin to see what you can do to influence the world around you and get more of what you need. 

5. An interesting paradox about needs is that we often close ourselves off to receiving what we most need from others.  It’s like having trouble accepting compliments.  One of the biggest things you have to learn is to graciously receive what you need when it comes to you, even if you don’t really care that much for the source.  

6. You also have to learn to give YOURSELF a lot of what you need – listen to that inner voice, and notice what you say to yourself over and over again.   If you need to be accepted, are you accepting yourself?  If you need to be heard, are you ignoring yourself?   It seems like an odd thing to check for, but you may be surprised when you start paying attention.

7. Once you get a feel for how needs play out in your own life, start observing other people and their interactions at work.  Pay attention in meetings and notice when someone has an edge to their voice, a hint of sarcasm or resentment.  You’ll begin to pick up on the dynamics of others on your team, and may even find subtle ways to intervene and facilitate better interactions across the whole team.

At work, whenever things start getting weird, one of the most powerful things you can ask is this: “are you getting everything you need in this situation?”   If you are genuine, this question can dissipate emotion from people who aren’t even aware they are reacting, and give them an opportunity to articulate what they do need.  Sometimes it’s as simple as clarity on priorities, extra time to finish a project, or appreciation for work they did that is no longer going to be used.

As independent and self-sufficient professionals, we don’t want to “have needs”.   But whether we want to admit it or not, we all have this stuff going on underneath, and if it’s not dealt with directly, it shows up anyway – resulting in poor communication, inefficient team-work, and wasted time, which no organization can afford these days.

No matter what type of organization you work in, you can take yourself to the next level by learning about your own needs.  Start with the seven tips above, or you can join the Aspyrre Community, an ongoing professional development program, that provides insight to help you see what’s really behind challenging situations at work, and tools to manage the situations effectively and get better results.  For more information on the Aspyrre Community, click here.

Change that Lasts

Will you Really Change this Year?

If you could change anything, what would be different by the end of this year?  It’s a question I often ask clients, but in January, it crosses almost everyone’s mind.   The thing is, change doesn’t happen just by thinking about it, and that’s why most New Years Resolutions fail.  Our brains and bodies like habits because they make life more efficient, but if your current habits are keeping you stuck, it will take more than a burst of commitment to change them.   Here are five tips to help you make real and lasting change:

1. You need to know why it’s important to change, and your reason has to matter to YOU, at a deep emotional level. 

Too many people resolve to quit smoking or go on a diet because they know they should for their health.  The problem is they still feel ok, and the good feelings they get from smoking or eating are so much more positive, clear and strong than the concept in their mind of what it will feel like to be healthier.  Those who succeed are either scared by a close call (powerfully emotional), or they are able to attach themselves to a clear, emotional, and positive vision of themselves in a healthier body.  That clear vision and positive emotion is the thing that keeps them going as they develop new habits.

2. Get clear on what actions you are willing to take, for how long, and how you will decide whether it’s worth it to keep acting if you aren’t getting results.

The sad thing about most goals is that it takes longer to get results than what you would expect. When you don’t get results, it’s easy to get into a slump of not working as hard, which slows you down even more.    One thing that helps is rewarding  yourself for effort as opposed to results.  When you know you are putting in your best effort, it’s hard to get down on yourself, and easier to keep going until you’ve gathered enough momentum to start seeing results.

3. Detach yourself emotionally from failure, get used to it, and learn from it.

While it’s powerful to be emotionally attached to the vision that drives you forward, it’s painful to be emotionally attached to the little failures along the way.  You have to get over being embarrassed about looking like a dork, or comparing yourself to others who seem to be doing it better or faster.   The successful people in this world have failed many more times than the failures.  Who do you want to be?

4. Develop habits that support your success.

Habits and routines can form a strong foundation for success, helping you maintain consistent behaviors that build on themselves over time.  Your brain likes habits, and if you do the same thing enough times in a row it will become automatic.  Habits can work for you or against you, and the more habits you can develop to work for you, the easier it will be for you to create lasting and permanent change.   This works with meals, exercise routines, sales calls, building your network, managing people, running meetings, and just about anything else. 

5. Adopt a mindset that matches your change.

Your mind is powerful.  It dictates what you notice in the world, what you decide it means, how you respond, and ultimately what shows up for you.  It’s almost lucky that it takes awhile to make most changes on the outside, because if your mind doesn’t catch up, you can easily spiral right back to where you started.  The way to prevent this is NOTICE that running commentary in your head and THINK about how that running commentary might be different if you succeed.  Instead of “I need a smoke” every time things get stressful, it might be “I need a walk” or “a break” or “ten minutes to think with my door closed and a cup of tea”.   Start playing with new ways to think that match the way you want to be thinking about the world once you have succeeded.

6. BONUS – Get a support system!

Studies show that people are three times as likely to make a change when they have a support system in place – usually a group of people who are in it together.  You can put together a mastermind group, or join a support group, or even get a buddy to work with you, and the natural synergy and support will propel you forward.  I have to make a sales pitch here – JOIN the Aspyrre Community and as long as you show up on the phone calls it’s almost inevitable that you will change.  We are continuously learning and working with tools that help you move yourself to the next level, and hearing other people with similar challenges talk about their experiences is invaluable.

It all comes down to this.  Do you really want things to change this year?  If you do, you will need to do something different.  Something that moves you out of your current habitual way of living.  It can be as small as joining the community and showing up on calls or as big as moving to a brand new place physically and developing a whole new living routine.  But do SOMETHING different – and lay the foundation for real and lasting change.

Planning for 2011

Your Year in Review – Quick Version

The following questions will give you a chance to think introspectively about last year and get crystal clear on what’s most important for you this year.  It’s great to go through these questions as you begin to plan and set goals for the New Year. 

1. What were your proudest moments in 2010, both personally and professionally?

2. What were your happiest moments in 2010, both personally and professionally? 

3. What did you expect or plan to do this year that did not happen?   How much does it matter to you? 

4. If 2011 were to be your best year ever, what three things would be different by the end of the year? 

5. What is the ONE thing that would most likely stand in the way of those three things happening?

6. If you are able to overcome what you wrote in item # 5 above, and achieve all three of what you listed in item #4 above, how will your life be different?    List specifics if possible.

7. If you decided to take this on as your “quest” for the year, what will you need to give yourself the best chance of success? 

8. If you could not achieve all three of what you listed in item # 4, but you could definitely achieve one of the three, which one would you choose? 

Your answers to the questions above are a reflection of your greatest strengths, your most important values, your challenges, and your priorities.  They do not dictate what you should plan for next year, but are designed to help you get clarity on what you most want, before deciding how you will focus your time and energy.

Have a wonderful holiday season, and best wishes for the best 2011 ever!

My Favorite “Effectivity Tool”

I love “effectivity tools” – anything tangible that not only helps you work more effectively, but also helps you BE more effective. To me an “effectivity tool” is anything that can move you

From THIS:

• Boredom and frustration with some if not all of your work, procrastination, lack of concentration or motivation.
• Being pulled at from multiple directions to the point where you are juggling the best you can and still dropping balls all over the place.
• Getting frustrated with difficult people, reacting in conversations, judging others, or trying to get a point across without being heard, recognized, or respected.
• Spending most of your day doing what has to be done, with so little time left over you are too tired to engage with something you truly enjoy, and you end up zoning out in front of the television, computer, or food.

To THIS:

• You are focused and engaged with whatever is on your “to do” list today.
• When something “comes at you” you can calmly adapt and handle it without having it throw you off or ruin your day.
• In every interaction you have, from a difficult negotiation to a mentoring conversation to a big presentation to a chat with the cashier at the store, you are clear, confident, and have the impact you desire.
• Every day you make progress towards your goals, AND you enjoy spending free time doing what is most important to YOU.

There are all sorts of “tools” out there, from software applications that make life easier, to time management techniques, to models that make it easier to understand and label what is going on in a situation so you can handle it better.

My favorite tools give you three things:

1. A new way to look at a situation or event, so you have more and better information about it.
2. Tips for how to handle a situation or event, so you can get better results.
3. Insight about yourself, so that you change, and as a result, your situations change.

This November, in our “change your beliefs” workshop, I am going to talk about one of my favorite tools. This tool helps you:

1. Notice that you are looking at most situations through the filter of your assumptions, and helps you see the perspectives you hadn’t considered.
2. In situations that upset or anger you, this tool can help you change your emotions to neutral, so that your response is more effective and you get better results.
3. You can also use this tool to identify habitual patterns of seeing situations that no longer serve you, and can help you change entire patterns in your life.

It’s one of the most important tools I’ve used myself, and it has helped me become much more calm and confident in situations that used to worry and embarrass me.

I would love to share the tool with you in our upcoming November 10th workshop. For more information on it, click here.

Hope to see you there!

My job drains me, but I’m afraid to leave

Dear Nahid,

My job drains me, but I’m afraid to quit.  I don’t know whether I would find anything better.  I don’t even know what I’d enjoy doing.  I can’t afford to quit.  I can’t afford to go back to school and start all over again doing something new.  Yet, I get sick to my stomach on Sunday nights thinking about work on Monday.  I can’t do this for twenty more years.  What should I do?   – Trapped

Dear Trapped,

You are not alone.  Studies have shown that more than half of all employees are not completely engaged and happy at work.  It’s sad that so many feel trapped and don’t see a way out, but it’s also true that it takes focus and energy to make a change, and some people would rather tolerate a draining environment than risk losing what they have for something worse.   While I can’t tell you what to do, I can provide some tips based on my work with career changers over the years:

1. Career Transition can take six months to three years or more.

If you are working in a draining environment, you may be tempted to quit so you have time and energy to move forward.  But unfortunately that extra time will be replaced with panic if you don’t have a source of income to keep you comfortably afloat for at least a year.  When I work with people who are panicking about running out of money, it is difficult for them to be confident during interviews, and they tend to take the first opportunity that provides income, whether it’s a good fit or not.   Which may put you in a worse position than you were in before. 

2. Your level of fear or confidence will determine how fast you succeed.

If you are embarrassed to make phone calls and ask questions of strangers, uncomfortable talking about yourself, and really scared of whether or not anyone will want you, then your transition will take longer.  If you are somewhat excited, up for the adventure, and willing to learn a lot, get out of your comfort zone and open your mind to new perspectives, then your transition can happen quicker.

3. No matter who you are, it is possible to design your life around work you enjoy.

Making a change in your life requires the willingness to carve out time each week to take action, and most of the action involves networking – talking to other professionals, sometimes even selling yourself.   It also requires taking an honest look at yourself and coming to terms with the personal issues that might hold you back professionally.   But if you are willing to put in the time and energy, you will get results.

4. You don’t have to go back to school or start at entry level in order to change industries.

This is a common misperception that holds people back from trying to make a transition to something they would really love to do.  It’s actually quite scary how many assumptions people make about what they can’t do just by hearing one “failure story.”   If you have a belief, no matter what it is, all you will see in the world is evidence that supports your belief.  You have to be open to the possibility of your success in order to succeed, and that means you have to be open to looking for examples of people who have succeeded at what you are trying to do, and learn from them. 

5. A support system will make all the difference in the world.

When I first started thinking about leaving my corporate job to start my own company I was petrified.  But I found a group of friends who also had dreams they were scared of acting on, and we agreed to get together once a month at someone’s house to talk about our dreams and support each other.  We didn’t do anything fancy – we just talked about what we wanted to do, and we shared our progress with each other along with ideas and resources.  The positive energy in that group gave me what I needed to make the leap.  If I didn’t have the other group members to talk to, I might never be where I am today.   (if you need a group and don’t want to put one together yourself, the Aspyrre Community is exactly the kind of group that supports you in change – and you can find more information about it by clicking here.)

Bottom line, it’s DEFINITELY possible to build your life around work you love.  It does take time, work, and personal growth.  I remember before making my change I felt like I just needed someone to guide me.  What we have here at Aspyrre is a step by step process, lots of guidance, and lots of support, so you can get all of that you need.  The part that comes from you is crossing that threshold of wanting the change more than you fear taking action.  Luckily, you don’t have to do anything drastic.  You can take a few small actions first, and see how they feel.

Best of luck to you, and feel free to write again anytime – I’d love to hear about your progress!

Sincerely,

Nahid Casazza

What makes life worthwhile?

What makes my life worthwhile?

Nahid,  I have been working, working, working, to achieve everything that is important to me, and now that I’m almost 50, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m missing the point of my life.   It seems like there’s always something more to achieve, but I can’t keep waiting until everything is done to start enjoying life.  If life isn’t about achievement, what is it about?   You talk about “accelerating your success” on your website; how do YOU define success?  – Lee

Lee, that is an excellent question.  Success is related to accomplishments, and that’s why people who want to be successful often find themselves in a frenzy trying to chalk up as many accomplishments as they can.  But, like you, most people reach a point when they realize that the accomplishments themselves don’t provide fulfillment.  And then they ask the critical question, “What makes my life worthwhile”?   The answer is different for everyone, but you can get to it by shifting your focus from WHAT you accomplish to WHO you are. 

Instead of seeing your accomplishments as your success, try seeing them as a reflection of your success.   In other words, success is based on WHO you are, and WHAT you do is simply one aspect of how you show up in the world.

WHO you are is more directly shown by HOW you approach everything you do in life.  For example, if you are a hard worker who consistently puts effort into everything you do, then you will likely see this reflected in your grades at school, in your performance at work, and in any activities or hobbies you pursue.  There may be times when someone who doesn’t work hard out-performs you, but that doesn’t take away from who you are and how you approach life. 

One powerful question you can ask yourself is “what kind of person do I want to be, no matter what situation I’m in?”   If you commit to being this kind of person, you may find that your attachment to your accomplishments goes away.  You’ve anchored yourself to something deeper and more meaningful.  Paradoxically, you will probably accomplish more, as a result of consistently behaving in a manner that is true to WHO you are.

Your question has inspired me to start working on a new exercise and workshop to guide people step by step through the process of defining personal success in this deeper, more meaningful way.  Keep your eyes open for events listed on the website, and make sure to get on the e-mail list if you haven’t already so I can send you a notification when it’s ready!

Thanks so much for taking the time to ask this important question, and inspiring me to address it! 

Sincerely,

Nahid

Getting Into Action

Have you ever known exactly what you needed to do in order to get what you want, but couldn’t, for the LIFE of you, manage to accomplish it?

The maddening thing about this, is that most of the time the actions themselves aren’t that difficult. For example, let’s say you want get into a regular exercise routine: You pick your favorite form of exercise, find four times each week to do it, and then stick to the plan long enough to ingrain it as a habit. Let’s say you want to start a pet sitting business to supplement your income: You gather information on how it’s done by interviewing other pet sitters, create a process based on what you’ve learned, get the necessary materials, and walk around your local neighborhoods introducing yourself or leaving a flyer on doorsteps to drum up some business.

It seems that getting what we want in life should be simple. You decide what you want, you learn enough about it to figure out what you need to do, and then you start doing it, continuing to learn and improve as you go, until you’ve reached your goal.

None of the actions required IN THEMSELVES are difficult to do. So why don’t we?

Well, FEAR for one. Although it may not be difficult to walk around putting flyers on doorsteps and talking about what you do to your neighbors, it might be embarrassing and uncomfortable. And although dialing the phone might be simple, the thought that the person on the other end could get annoyed by your questions can be mortifying enough to have you burying yourself deep in the pit of avoidance.

But what about exercising? Are you really afraid or embarrassed to walk into a health club or take a walk? Here is where it gets tricky, because if you ask the question, you’ll get all sorts of convoluted answers back from yourself, including: “I was planning to do it but I forgot to bring my walkman, and I CAN’T exercise without it”, or “I had company and it would have been rude to leave them”, or “I just didn’t have the time”.

All reasonable excuses, right? But if they keep coming up, over and over again, delaying your efforts to do something you really want to do, then there’s probably something behind it. Here are some things to consider:

1. Fear (again). Maybe the task itself isn’t scary for you, but you are too emotionally tied to the result.

2. It’s a “should”, not a “want”. Maybe you keep planning to get into an exercise routine because you think you should, but you really don’t want to exercise. In fact you HATE doing it.

3. Time Management. You want it all. Now. And you haven’t considered the time it takes to get what you want – or arranged your schedule accordingly.

Fortunately there are ways to handle these paralyzers and get moving again:

1. Fear: If you know what you are afraid of, then picture it happening. Visualize the worst thing that could happen and sit with all of those horrible, uncomfortable, emotions. Then figure out what you would do. Knowing that you can handle a difficult or embarrassing situation does wonders for reducing the fear around it.

2. Shoulds vs Wants: If you don’t want to do something, chances are you’ll find every way you can to get out of it. So test yourself. If you have a goal, find the want that drives it and fuels your passion. If you can’t find that, then cross it off your list. If you focus on the want, then the actions required to get it aren’t so hard to accomplish. Back to our exercising example — you may hate to exercise, but if you REALLY WANT something like looking great in your bathing suit by summer, or reducing your cholesterol to a healthy level, the vision of your end result can propel you to the health club every day.

3. Time Management: Make a list of everything on your plate and how much time you need to accomplish it. Compare this with how many hours you have in a day, and be sure to give yourself time for sleep, your daily routine, and relaxing each day. Then eliminate as much as you can. Create enough time in your schedule to devote to accomplishing your goals.

Of course the best way to get moving is to get moving – one step at a time. Each action you take, no matter how small, will make the next action easier. When all else fails, break your actions into small pieces – small enough to handle, no matter what your constraints. If you are too afraid to make phone calls, then your action item becomes a role play or practice session with a friend or coach. If the thought of exercise makes you want to sleep, then pick a 15 minute walk, or 20 sit-ups as an action item. If you can’t find time, then find an activities that take 5 – 10 minutes. And commit to doing one each day. Chances are, once you get started, you’ll build momentum, and find yourself wanting to move to the next step.

Enlist a buddy, and Accelerate your Success!

How are you doing on your New Year’s Resolutions? If staying focused and gaining momentum are important to you right now, it might be the perfect time to enlist a friend to support you in achieving your goals.

Using a “buddy system” can be one of the most powerful ways to keep you on track and accelerate your success when you are trying to make a change in your life.

Consider this:

1. Of the top ten ways to quit smoking, doing it alone has about a 25% success rate, while getting involved with a program that utilizes the buddy system has a 50% success rate.
2. Universities have discovered that expanding the buddy idea into learning communities for freshman raises their grades.
3. Manufacturing plants use buddy systems to effectively manage quality control.
4. Health Care initiatives encourage the use of buddies because the act of helping someone else make a change motivates people to keep going on their own plans.

I used to think it was somehow “cheating” to ask for help in achieving my goals. But if I look back on the greatest successes in my life, they all happened with the support of a mentor, friend, or team. Working with a buddy created an energy that propelled me towards my goals more powerfully than all the individual passion and motivation I could muster. Interestingly, the goals I continue to fall short on are the ones I stubbornly pursue on my own.

How can you use the power of a buddy to double your chance of success?

1. Find one or more people with a similar goal and agree to meet regularly to share your progress, solve problems together, and commit to action items.
2. Choose someone who will support your success, but has nothing to gain or lose by your success. Someone who “needs” you to succeed will not always be open to your choices. By the same token, even your best friend will have a hard time supporting you if you are competing for the same job.
3. Choose someone who is confident enough to be direct. If they always agree with you so they won’t hurt your feelings, you are missing the chance to be challenged.
4. Make a commitment with your buddy to support each other fully until you each reach your vision of success.

Four Stages of Decisive Change

The Stages

* Pre-Stage One – Testing the Waters
* Stage One – The Tornado
* Stage Two – The Marathon
* Stage Three – The Rainbow
* Stage Four – The Transformation

Pre-Stage One — Testing the Waters

You have a dream or a fantasy that you flirt with from time to time in your head. You wonder whether you should try to make it happen. You wonder if you have what it takes. Then you forget about it. For a long period of time – could be months or years, ideas pop in and out of your head. You may even have spurts of energy where you gather information or start moving forward, but they are very short lived. Throughout all of this you feel uncertain. The stage ends when you decide for certain that you will at least give it a shot.

Stage One – The Tornado

Key Entry Point:

Mentally, you decide that for whatever it’s worth, you are going to go for it. This mental decision point may precede action for several months, but the questions you mull over in your head have changed from “Should I do this?” to “How will I do this”?

What it Feels Like:

Exciting, Scary, and Exhausting

What You Can Expect:

1. Every action takes much more energy than you think it should

§ You get extremely anxious as you plan to act

§ What seem to be relatively simple tasks completely drain you – both before and after you do them

2. An emotional roller-coaster

§ Sometimes you are so excited you can hardly breathe as you imagine how you are finally making this happen!

§ Other times you feel discouraged, wrought with self-doubt, wondering if you are taking the right steps, and what compelled you to think you could do this in the first place.

§ Sometimes you are afraid to do something that seems simple and will avoid it at all costs

§ Sometimes you want to hide under the covers and escape from all of it

3. Over-reaction and emotional attachment to results.

§ Discouragement is especially prevalent after getting a result that wasn’t what you hoped for

§ Really needing for something to work out – knocking on wood a lot

§ Complete elation when you get the results you had hoped for

§ Sentimental attachment to first signs of success

4. Sabotage seems to run rampant – both from within and without!

§ Life events, your family, career, obligations pulling you away from your endeavor. Just when you think you are moving forward, something earth-shatteringly important gets in the way.

§ Lots of procrastination, lots of distractions, lots of needing to take a break and relax

5. The people you thought you could count on most for support surprise you.

§ They may offer support but don’t follow through

§ They express anxiety over what could go wrong

§ They know people who could help you but don’t introduce you

§ They keep treating you as if you aren’t going to change

§ You get the feeling they don’t believe you can pull it off

§ You get the feeling they are threatened by your action/success

How to Get Through It:

1. What you most need:

a. A reason stronger than short term results to maintain energy and keep going.

b. Faith, because you have no guarantee of success.

c. Lots of support and encouragement from good friends who believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

2. Realize that everything will take more time and energy than you expect because it’s new – take baby steps, and rest a lot between them.

3. Accept that this will be like swimming upstream, and the current will keep pulling you backwards – persist, persist, persist. When something prevents you from getting something done, reschedule it, or try to do part of it. Chip away and take your time.

4. Gather information, mentors, guides, books, buddies, support like it’s going out of style. You’ll need all of it to help you stay focused in periods of discouragement and self-doubt.

5. Stay Away from naysayers: people who are used to you being the way you are now, people who tell you about all the obstacles.

6. Find new people who haven’t seen you in your last role, who will believe in you in the role you aspire to.

Moving out of Stage One:

You get to a point where you realize that this is going to be a lot harder than you think. You may decide that this is not what you want after all. Or, you may begin to feel a strong sense of determination. The determination moves you into stage two.

Stage Two — The Marathon

Key Entry Point:

You realize that this is going to be a lot harder than you ever imagined, but you are willing to put in the work.

What it Feels Like:

Hopeful, Frustrating, Like Real Hard Work

What You Can Expect:

1.  You have more clarity about what you want – you can visualize your goal.

2.  Most of the time you have confidence that you are doing the right thing.

3. You begin to let go of all expectations, because you seem to continuously break records for all time horrible results.

4. You know the positive results are a long way off, but you see evidence of change, and are optimistic.

5.  You have times where you are achieving really great results and you feel really good about yourself and your endeavor.

6. You have times where you feel like for every step forward you take, you are taking five steps backward.

How to Get Through It:

What you most need:
1. Resources: energy, motivation, money, time, health, friends, creativity, optimism, survival skills, something to fuel you for a long haul.
2. Balance: the ability to step away from it and enjoy other parts of your life.
3.Perspective: a humble detachment from your failures and successes, the ability to see what you will have gained from your work/investment regardless of the outcome.

4.  Develop a sense of humor, learn to laugh at yourself

5.  Be willing to try new things. Learn from everything you do – what went right, what went wrong, what can I do better?

6. Creative Problem Solving: You will run out of money, you will run out of time, you will run out of energy, you will be on your last leg over and over and over again. Learn how to survive and stick it out one more month.

PreMature Stage Two exit:

You run out of resources and can’t figure a way out of it. You must decide to drastically change your plan, either by taking a detour or a break. In most cases you can maintain your direction at a lower level or you will revisit it later. In some cases, the new direction presents a new opportunity, and the experiences you’ve had so far integrate into your new direction.

Moving on from Stage Two:

You start getting more comfortable with both positive and negative results, because you’ve seen positives turn to negatives and negatives turn to positives before. You are more focused on the process than the results. You begin to work more effectively and efficiently. It doesn’t take as much energy to do what needs to be done.

Stage Three — The Rainbow

Key Entry Point:

You are focusing on the process more than the outcome, you are working more efficiently and effectively, and your confidence is increasing – regardless of the results.

What it Feels Like:

Confident, Exciting, Relieved, Energizing

What You Can Expect:

1. You aren’t there yet, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you know now that you can make it.

2. You are starting to get more positive results.

3. You still make mistakes, and have disappointments, but you react to them differently – you view them as part of the process: you learn from them and move on.

4. You feel more confident.

5. Other people are starting to see you as an expert. People who didn’t seem to believe in you before are coming around.

6. Sometimes you feel that you can’t meet the expectations of others – that you are a farce – that they are seeing you as an expert when you really aren’t.

7. Now that you have mastered the basics, you begin to see new things that you need to learn and do better.

How to Get Through It:

1.  Take advantage of your ability to be more efficient and effective to get more done and accelerate your success.

2.  Think Excellence – raise your standards; use your new skills to produce the best results you are capable of.

3.  Focus on refining everything you do so that it fits in well with your life and you really enjoy doing what it takes to be successful.

4.  Make sure to enjoy the process – this is actually the most enjoyable stage of the entire change cycle.

Premature Exit:

Much less likely in this stage but may occur because life happens. Usually in this stage you can handle problems or detours and get back on track fairly quickly.

Moving on from Stage Three:

You’ve gotten so close to your initial goal that you no longer doubt that you will meet it, and maybe you increase it. You feel confident and natural in your new role. You begin to spend less time thinking about your actions, and begin to do them automatically.

Stage Four — The Transformation

Key Entry Point:

You’ve completely integrated the change into your life. You know longer think about it because it’s “you”.

What it Feels Like:

Natural, comfortable, routine, sometimes boring or disappointing, the thrill is gone

What You Can Expect:

1.  There is no turning back because your change is part of you – it’s who you are, what you do. You would have to go through an equally dramatic change process now to change BACK to what you did/who you were before.

2.  You are beginning to focus on other areas of your life.

How to Get Through It:

Typically in this stage you are done, and you are thinking about the next thing in your life that you would like to change.

Values-Based Goals

This is the time people like to re-assess their lives, but most New Year’s resolutions don’t survive through February. If you follow good goal-setting practices by writing specific, tangible, and trackable action plans, you have a better chance of success. But the most important reason resolutions, goals, and ideas don’t survive is this: they weren’t real goals in the first place.

Here are five quick ways to check to see if your goals are real:

1. The clarity check: Can you see it, taste it, feel it, smell it? Can you envision your life once you have achieved this goal? Do you know exactly what steps you will take to achieve it? Vague but emotional thoughts like “I’ll know it when it happens”, or “I’ll finally be happy when..” tend to be red flags. In this case pick one step that is clear to you, and focus on that.

2. The purpose check: Is it worth it to you to go after the goal, even if you don’t achieve it? If not, you will find it hard to stay motivated.

3. The gut check: Do you dread the thought of “going without” whatever you are planning to give up? Will it take lots of will power to achieve your goal? Then ask yourself what you get from your habit – and find a new way to get that need met so it will be easier to let go of.

4. The duplication check: If you’ve had this goal several times before and haven’t succeeded, make sure you are doing something different this time. You need to be able to answer the question, “What’s new this time that will give me a much better chance of success?” Get a support system – it’s the most significant difference you can make.

5. The commitment check: If it’s someone else’s goal, how excited are you about achieving it? What will you get out of it? Do you understand the rationale behind the goal? If that person were not invested in the goal, and told you to set your own goal, what would it be?