What makes life worthwhile?

What makes my life worthwhile?

Nahid,  I have been working, working, working, to achieve everything that is important to me, and now that I’m almost 50, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m missing the point of my life.   It seems like there’s always something more to achieve, but I can’t keep waiting until everything is done to start enjoying life.  If life isn’t about achievement, what is it about?   You talk about “accelerating your success” on your website; how do YOU define success?  – Lee

Lee, that is an excellent question.  Success is related to accomplishments, and that’s why people who want to be successful often find themselves in a frenzy trying to chalk up as many accomplishments as they can.  But, like you, most people reach a point when they realize that the accomplishments themselves don’t provide fulfillment.  And then they ask the critical question, “What makes my life worthwhile”?   The answer is different for everyone, but you can get to it by shifting your focus from WHAT you accomplish to WHO you are. 

Instead of seeing your accomplishments as your success, try seeing them as a reflection of your success.   In other words, success is based on WHO you are, and WHAT you do is simply one aspect of how you show up in the world.

WHO you are is more directly shown by HOW you approach everything you do in life.  For example, if you are a hard worker who consistently puts effort into everything you do, then you will likely see this reflected in your grades at school, in your performance at work, and in any activities or hobbies you pursue.  There may be times when someone who doesn’t work hard out-performs you, but that doesn’t take away from who you are and how you approach life. 

One powerful question you can ask yourself is “what kind of person do I want to be, no matter what situation I’m in?”   If you commit to being this kind of person, you may find that your attachment to your accomplishments goes away.  You’ve anchored yourself to something deeper and more meaningful.  Paradoxically, you will probably accomplish more, as a result of consistently behaving in a manner that is true to WHO you are.

Your question has inspired me to start working on a new exercise and workshop to guide people step by step through the process of defining personal success in this deeper, more meaningful way.  Keep your eyes open for events listed on the website, and make sure to get on the e-mail list if you haven’t already so I can send you a notification when it’s ready!

Thanks so much for taking the time to ask this important question, and inspiring me to address it! 

Sincerely,

Nahid

Getting Into Action

Have you ever known exactly what you needed to do in order to get what you want, but couldn’t, for the LIFE of you, manage to accomplish it?

The maddening thing about this, is that most of the time the actions themselves aren’t that difficult. For example, let’s say you want get into a regular exercise routine: You pick your favorite form of exercise, find four times each week to do it, and then stick to the plan long enough to ingrain it as a habit. Let’s say you want to start a pet sitting business to supplement your income: You gather information on how it’s done by interviewing other pet sitters, create a process based on what you’ve learned, get the necessary materials, and walk around your local neighborhoods introducing yourself or leaving a flyer on doorsteps to drum up some business.

It seems that getting what we want in life should be simple. You decide what you want, you learn enough about it to figure out what you need to do, and then you start doing it, continuing to learn and improve as you go, until you’ve reached your goal.

None of the actions required IN THEMSELVES are difficult to do. So why don’t we?

Well, FEAR for one. Although it may not be difficult to walk around putting flyers on doorsteps and talking about what you do to your neighbors, it might be embarrassing and uncomfortable. And although dialing the phone might be simple, the thought that the person on the other end could get annoyed by your questions can be mortifying enough to have you burying yourself deep in the pit of avoidance.

But what about exercising? Are you really afraid or embarrassed to walk into a health club or take a walk? Here is where it gets tricky, because if you ask the question, you’ll get all sorts of convoluted answers back from yourself, including: “I was planning to do it but I forgot to bring my walkman, and I CAN’T exercise without it”, or “I had company and it would have been rude to leave them”, or “I just didn’t have the time”.

All reasonable excuses, right? But if they keep coming up, over and over again, delaying your efforts to do something you really want to do, then there’s probably something behind it. Here are some things to consider:

1. Fear (again). Maybe the task itself isn’t scary for you, but you are too emotionally tied to the result.

2. It’s a “should”, not a “want”. Maybe you keep planning to get into an exercise routine because you think you should, but you really don’t want to exercise. In fact you HATE doing it.

3. Time Management. You want it all. Now. And you haven’t considered the time it takes to get what you want – or arranged your schedule accordingly.

Fortunately there are ways to handle these paralyzers and get moving again:

1. Fear: If you know what you are afraid of, then picture it happening. Visualize the worst thing that could happen and sit with all of those horrible, uncomfortable, emotions. Then figure out what you would do. Knowing that you can handle a difficult or embarrassing situation does wonders for reducing the fear around it.

2. Shoulds vs Wants: If you don’t want to do something, chances are you’ll find every way you can to get out of it. So test yourself. If you have a goal, find the want that drives it and fuels your passion. If you can’t find that, then cross it off your list. If you focus on the want, then the actions required to get it aren’t so hard to accomplish. Back to our exercising example — you may hate to exercise, but if you REALLY WANT something like looking great in your bathing suit by summer, or reducing your cholesterol to a healthy level, the vision of your end result can propel you to the health club every day.

3. Time Management: Make a list of everything on your plate and how much time you need to accomplish it. Compare this with how many hours you have in a day, and be sure to give yourself time for sleep, your daily routine, and relaxing each day. Then eliminate as much as you can. Create enough time in your schedule to devote to accomplishing your goals.

Of course the best way to get moving is to get moving – one step at a time. Each action you take, no matter how small, will make the next action easier. When all else fails, break your actions into small pieces – small enough to handle, no matter what your constraints. If you are too afraid to make phone calls, then your action item becomes a role play or practice session with a friend or coach. If the thought of exercise makes you want to sleep, then pick a 15 minute walk, or 20 sit-ups as an action item. If you can’t find time, then find an activities that take 5 – 10 minutes. And commit to doing one each day. Chances are, once you get started, you’ll build momentum, and find yourself wanting to move to the next step.

Enlist a buddy, and Accelerate your Success!

How are you doing on your New Year’s Resolutions? If staying focused and gaining momentum are important to you right now, it might be the perfect time to enlist a friend to support you in achieving your goals.

Using a “buddy system” can be one of the most powerful ways to keep you on track and accelerate your success when you are trying to make a change in your life.

Consider this:

1. Of the top ten ways to quit smoking, doing it alone has about a 25% success rate, while getting involved with a program that utilizes the buddy system has a 50% success rate.
2. Universities have discovered that expanding the buddy idea into learning communities for freshman raises their grades.
3. Manufacturing plants use buddy systems to effectively manage quality control.
4. Health Care initiatives encourage the use of buddies because the act of helping someone else make a change motivates people to keep going on their own plans.

I used to think it was somehow “cheating” to ask for help in achieving my goals. But if I look back on the greatest successes in my life, they all happened with the support of a mentor, friend, or team. Working with a buddy created an energy that propelled me towards my goals more powerfully than all the individual passion and motivation I could muster. Interestingly, the goals I continue to fall short on are the ones I stubbornly pursue on my own.

How can you use the power of a buddy to double your chance of success?

1. Find one or more people with a similar goal and agree to meet regularly to share your progress, solve problems together, and commit to action items.
2. Choose someone who will support your success, but has nothing to gain or lose by your success. Someone who “needs” you to succeed will not always be open to your choices. By the same token, even your best friend will have a hard time supporting you if you are competing for the same job.
3. Choose someone who is confident enough to be direct. If they always agree with you so they won’t hurt your feelings, you are missing the chance to be challenged.
4. Make a commitment with your buddy to support each other fully until you each reach your vision of success.

Four Stages of Decisive Change

* Pre-Stage One – Testing the Waters
* Stage One – The Tornado
* Stage Two – The Marathon
* Stage Three – The Rainbow
* Stage Four – The Transformation

Pre-Stage One — Testing the Waters

You have a dream or a fantasy that you flirt with from time to time in your head. You wonder whether you should try to make it happen. You wonder if you have what it takes. Then you forget about it. For a long period of time – could be months or years, ideas pop in and out of your head. You may even have spurts of energy where you gather information or start moving forward, but they are very short lived. Throughout all of this you feel uncertain. The stage ends when you decide for certain that you will at least give it a shot.
Stage One – The Tornado

Key Entry Point:

Mentally, you decide that for whatever it’s worth, you are going to go for it. This mental decision point may precede action for several months, but the questions you mull over in your head have changed from “Should I do this?” to “How will I do this”?
What it Feels Like:

Exciting, Scary, and Exhausting
What You Can Expect:

1. Every action takes much more energy than you think it should

§ You get extremely anxious as you plan to act

§ What seem to be relatively simple tasks completely drain you – both before and after you do them

2. An emotional roller-coaster

§ Sometimes you are so excited you can hardly breathe as you imagine how you are finally making this happen!

§ Other times you feel discouraged, wrought with self-doubt, wondering if you are taking the right steps, and what compelled you to think you could do this in the first place.

§ Sometimes you are afraid to do something that seems simple and will avoid it at all costs

§ Sometimes you want to hide under the covers and escape from all of it

3. Over-reaction and emotional attachment to results.

§ Discouragement is especially prevalent after getting a result that wasn’t what you hoped for

§ Really needing for something to work out – knocking on wood a lot

§ Complete elation when you get the results you had hoped for

§ Sentimental attachment to first signs of success

4. Sabotage seems to run rampant – both from within and without!

§ Life events, your family, career, obligations pulling you away from your endeavor. Just when you think you are moving forward, something earth-shatteringly important gets in the way.

§ Lots of procrastination, lots of distractions, lots of needing to take a break and relax

5. The people you thought you could count on most for support surprise you.

§ They may offer support but don’t follow through

§ They express anxiety over what could go wrong

§ They know people who could help you but don’t introduce you

§ They keep treating you as if you aren’t going to change

§ You get the feeling they don’t believe you can pull it off

§ You get the feeling they are threatened by your action/success

How to Get Through It:

1. What you most need:

a. A reason stronger than short term results to maintain energy and keep going.

b. Faith, because you have no guarantee of success.

c. Lots of support and encouragement from good friends who believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

2.

Realize that everything will take more time and energy than you expect because it’s new – take baby steps, and rest a lot between them.

3.

Accept that this will be like swimming upstream, and the current will keep pulling you backwards – persist, persist, persist. When something prevents you from getting something done, reschedule it, or try to do part of it. Chip away and take your time.

4.

Gather information, mentors, guides, books, buddies, support like it’s going out of style. You’ll need all of it to help you stay focused in periods of discouragement and self-doubt.

5.

Stay Away from naysayers: people who are used to you being the way you are now, people who tell you about all the obstacles.

6.

Find new people who haven’t seen you in your last role, who will believe in you in the role you aspire to.

Moving out of Stage One:

You get to a point where you realize that this is going to be a lot harder than you think. You may decide that this is not what you want after all. Or, you may begin to feel a strong sense of determination. The determination moves you into stage two.

Stage Two — The Marathon

Key Entry Point:

You realize that this is going to be a lot harder than you ever imagined, but you are willing to put in the work.

What it Feels Like:

Hopeful, Frustrating, Like Real Hard Work

What You Can Expect:

1.

You have more clarity about what you want – you can visualize your goal.

2.

Most of the time you have confidence that you are doing the right thing.

3.

You begin to let go of all expectations, because you seem to continuously break records for all time horrible results.

4.

You know the positive results are a long way off, but you see evidence of change, and are optimistic.

5.

You have times where you are achieving really great results and you feel really good about yourself and your endeavor.

6.

You have times where you feel like for every step forward you take, you are taking five steps backward.

How to Get Through It:

1. What you most need:
1. Resources: energy, motivation, money, time, health, friends, creativity, optimism, survival skills, something to fuel you for a long haul.
2. Balance: the ability to step away from it and enjoy other parts of your life.
3.

Perspective: a humble detachment from your failures and successes, the ability to see what you will have gained from your work/investment regardless of the outcome.

2.

Develop a sense of humor, learn to laugh at yourself

3.

Be willing to try new things. Learn from everything you do – what went right, what went wrong, what can I do better?

4.

Creative Problem Solving: You will run out of money, you will run out of time, you will run out of energy, you will be on your last leg over and over and over again. Learn how to survive and stick it out one more month.

PreMature Stage Two exit:

You run out of resources and can’t figure a way out of it. You must decide to drastically change your plan, either by taking a detour or a break. In most cases you can maintain your direction at a lower level or you will revisit it later. In some cases, the new direction presents a new opportunity, and the experiences you’ve had so far integrate into your new direction.

Moving on from Stage Two:

You start getting more comfortable with both positive and negative results, because you’ve seen positives turn to negatives and negatives turn to positives before. You are more focused on the process than the results. You begin to work more effectively and efficiently. It doesn’t take as much energy to do what needs to be done.

Stage Three — The Rainbow

Key Entry Point:

You are focusing on the process more than the outcome, you are working more efficiently and effectively, and your confidence is increasing – regardless of the results.

What it Feels Like:

Confident, Exciting, Relieved, Energizing
What You Can Expect:

1. You aren’t there yet, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you know now that you can make it.

2. You are starting to get more positive results.

3. You still make mistakes, and have disappointments, but you react to them differently – you view them as part of the process: you learn from them and move on.

4. You feel more confident.

5. Other people are starting to see you as an expert. People who didn’t seem to believe in you before are coming around.

6. Sometimes you feel that you can’t meet the expectations of others – that you are a farce – that they are seeing you as an expert when you really aren’t.

7. Now that you have mastered the basics, you begin to see new things that you need to learn and do better.

How to Get Through It:

1.

Take advantage of your ability to be more efficient and effective to get more done and accelerate your success.

2.

Think Excellence – raise your standards; use your new skills to produce the best results you are capable of.

3.

Focus on refining everything you do so that it fits in well with your life and you really enjoy doing what it takes to be successful.

4.

Make sure to enjoy the process – this is actually the most enjoyable stage of the entire change cycle.

Premature Exit:

Much less likely in this stage but may occur because life happens. Usually in this stage you can handle problems or detours and get back on track fairly quickly.

Moving on from Stage Three:

You’ve gotten so close to your initial goal that you no longer doubt that you will meet it, and maybe you increase it. You feel confident and natural in your new role. You begin to spend less time thinking about your actions, and begin to do them automatically.

Stage Four — The Transformation

Key Entry Point:

You’ve completely integrated the change into your life. You know longer think about it because it’s “you”.

What it Feels Like:

Natural, comfortable, routine, sometimes boring or disappointing, the thrill is gone

What You Can Expect:

1.

There is no turning back because your change is part of you – it’s who you are, what you do. You would have to go through an equally dramatic change process now to change BACK to what you did/who you were before.

2.

You are beginning to focus on other areas of your life.

How to Get Through It:

Typically in this stage you are done, and you are thinking about the next thing in your life that you would like to change.

Values-Based Goals

This is the time people like to re-assess their lives, but most New Year’s resolutions don’t survive through February. If you follow good goal-setting practices by writing specific, tangible, and trackable action plans, you have a better chance of success. But the most important reason resolutions, goals, and ideas don’t survive is this: they weren’t real goals in the first place.

Here are five quick ways to check to see if your goals are real:

1. The clarity check: Can you see it, taste it, feel it, smell it? Can you envision your life once you have achieved this goal? Do you know exactly what steps you will take to achieve it? Vague but emotional thoughts like “I’ll know it when it happens”, or “I’ll finally be happy when..” tend to be red flags. In this case pick one step that is clear to you, and focus on that.

2. The purpose check: Is it worth it to you to go after the goal, even if you don’t achieve it? If not, you will find it hard to stay motivated.

3. The gut check: Do you dread the thought of “going without” whatever you are planning to give up? Will it take lots of will power to achieve your goal? Then ask yourself what you get from your habit – and find a new way to get that need met so it will be easier to let go of.

4. The duplication check: If you’ve had this goal several times before and haven’t succeeded, make sure you are doing something different this time. You need to be able to answer the question, “What’s new this time that will give me a much better chance of success?” Get a support system – it’s the most significant difference you can make.

5. The commitment check: If it’s someone else’s goal, how excited are you about achieving it? What will you get out of it? Do you understand the rationale behind the goal? If that person were not invested in the goal, and told you to set your own goal, what would it be?

YOUR YEAR IN REVIEW – 2009 – 2010

YOUR YEAR IN REVIEW – 2009 / 2010

The following questions are different from your usual weekly report. They will give you a chance to really think about last year and get crystal clear on what’s most important for you this year. In your first coaching session of the year, we will review what came up for you, and create a structure to support you in building and living 2010 your way. (This is not an on-line form. Copy and paste the questions into a word document where you will have room to answer them, and you can send me your completed document via e-mail when you are through)

1. List 3 – 10 things you accomplished in 2009 that you are proud of:

2. What were the most important things that you learned in 2009, both in business, and personally?

3. What has changed, and as a result of these changes, how will your life be different this year?

4. How have you changed over the year, and as a result of those changes, what new possibilities exist for you?

5. What were your happiest moments in 2009, both personally and professionally? Is there anything you want to do to preserve and cherish these memories?

6. What are your regrets – is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance, and how?

7. If you have already thought about goals and resolutions for 2010, list them here. If you haven’t, leave it blank for now.

8. What if it all had to stop now? (take your time with this one) If you had 9 months to live and 9 million dollars, what would you do?

9. What do your answers to numbers 5, 6 and 8 tell you about the values you want to make sure to live in 2010? No matter what goals you set for next year, and what you achieve, how will you know you are living each day of your life with purpose?

10. If you had unlimited resources and support to make anything happen, both in your professional and personal life, what would things look like by October of 2010?

11. List two big initiatives worth shooting for professionally this year. They should feel challenging, yet possible and exciting.

12. How will you have to change the way you work to give yourself the best possible chance of success?

13. List one big personal change you want to make this year. It should feel challenging, yet possible and exciting.

14. How will you have to change in order to give yourself the best possible chance of success?

15. Assuming you will have the best support system available to you the entire year, that this support system is ready, willing, and able to provide you with anything you need to give you the best possible chance of success, list the five most important things that you need:

Congratulations! You have completed the questions. Now, if you have any energy left, this is the place to brain-dump any additional thoughts, feelings, or open questions about last year, this year, or what came up for you when you answered the questions. You may e-mail this to me or keep it to yourself, but make sure to have it with you when we meet next, so that we can discuss.

Five Keys to Leaving the Impression You Want

(1) Dress the Part

Beyond dressing well, choose a style that speaks to the characteristics you want remembered. Do you want to portray money and power, down-to-earth warmth, creative genius, hard worker? If you don’t know where to start, watch other people, monitor the impressions you have of them, and look at what they are wearing. Look at pictures in magazines, talk to at least three friends to get an opinion. Go to an expert and spend extra money to get three to five outfits you feel confident wearing.

(2) Categorize Yourself

Whether you like it or not, people do not have the brain capacity or the motivation to remember all your wonderful characteristics, talents, and accomplishments. They will categorize you if they can, and if they can’t, they wont remember you at all.
Take control of what others remember about you by creating a simple and clear picture of who you are, what you have to offer, how they can help you. One method for doing this is to first give your name and a major category most people can relate to and then add something that makes you special or different. If you can’t think of anything that makes you stand out, ask ten people who know you well for some ideas.
For example, if someone tells me they are a “Financial Planner” at a networking function, I may or may not know what a financial planner is and I may or may not ask more questions. Usually I wont ask much because I don’t want to encourage a sales pitch. Even if I get and keep the business card, it will probably go into the stack of other cards and get lost. On the other hand, if I meet the following two people at a networking function, I will be much more likely to remember them, and at some point send them referrals.

a. Hello, I’m Ann Smith. I’m a financial planner who specializes in helping people get out of debt. I spend extra time teaching my clients key concepts and clearing up misconceptions so they can make wiser decisions on how to manage their money. I work with people who are overwhelmed with their financial situation and need someone to help them through it step by step.

b. Hello, I’m David Longfellow. I am a financial planner who specializes in maximizing the value of my client’s assets. I work well with busy executives who simply don’t have time to worry about money. I do all the work and provide them with short but frequent progress reports so they know they are in good hands.

Notice that both introductions can be said in less than 30 seconds. Each one gives you enough information to categorize that person in your mind. You know something unique about the service they offer and have an idea of the kind of person you might refer to them. Through a carefully crafted introduction, they have greatly increased the likelihood that you will remember and refer them a week or two later when you run into their “perfect” client.

(3) It’s Not About You

The impression you make has a lot less to do with you than your audience: what they want to accomplish, what they are worried about, what they fear, what they need. Most people you meet have their own agenda – and it’s not to hear everything about you. Even a job interviewer is after pretty specific information, regardless of how open-ended his questions are. It often has to do with the positive or negative characteristics of the last person who held the position. If that person had a hard time fitting in, they are probably looking for good team players. If he didn’t take initiative, they’ll want someone who seems assertive.

At a networking event, people will be much more likely to listen to you if they think you might become a helpful member of their network. It’s well worth your time to hold off on pitching your case and listen for a while. Put yourself in their shoes. Find out who they are, what they are trying to accomplish, and see if you can fit into their picture. Your “30 second introduction” doesn’t have to roll off your tongue at the beginning of the discussion. If you listen first, you can customize it to what you learn.

Meanwhile, just by showing interest you will make a far stronger impression than anything you can say about yourself. If you can find a way to help others achieve their goals you add the element of reciprocity, and they will want to help you as well. One word of warning – don’t pretend to be interested if you aren’t, and don’t offer help you don’t really want to give. People smell insincerity a mile away and, as a “technique” this will backfire.

(4) Bring a Token to Leave Behind

A business card, a resume, a small brochure or flyer. If you want to make a lasting impression, your “leave behind” can work wonders. Make it something they will want to keep and refer to. Categorize it for them so they know where to file it. Have it match the overall impression you are trying to make. Use nice paper if you want to be seen as professional. Keep it clean and simple, with basic but useful information. Anything too big, bulky, or detailed will be seen as clutter. Anything too “cheap-looking” will be an easy target for the trash bin. Think about what you keep in your workspace or in reference files. If you have a business, you may want to get creative and pass out personalized pens, pads of paper, or refrigerator magnets.

(5) Leave them wanting more.

And make it easy for them to get it. Don’t pressure yourself to inundate people with information about yourself or your business. Get your basic point across and then relax and get to know people on a more casual and genuine level. Let them get a glimpse of the real you, and don’t worry about being perfect. People feel much more comfortable when they can relax and enjoy themselves, even during very professional interactions such as a job interview. Interviewers officially assess candidate qualifications, but they also look for people who will be fun to work with. Your personality makes you real, and it allows people to connect with you and enjoy the experience of being with you.

A big part of this experience is allowing space and time to get to know each other. Get contact information from people you want to stay in touch with and follow up. Sometimes it takes several years for a relationship to turn into a business or career opportunity, and sometimes only a few weeks. It is rare that deals are made and closed in one meeting. So do your best to prepare, be yourself, make the best impression you know how to make, and then don’t depend on it. Follow up regularly and add to the impression over time.

Five Steps to Finding Work You Love

We have the freedom in this country to choose our profession. Yet, the number of Americans who don’t enjoy their work is astounding. If you feel stuck, use these five steps to take charge of your career:

1. Know what you love

The work you love falls at the intersection of your unique talents and your favorite things. Make a list of what you are proud of, then circle everything on the list you truly enjoyed doing. Think about what subjects you read about just because you are interested. Then, make a list of work possibilities.

2. Interview people who do what you love

Get a feel for the real experiences of people who have already taken the paths you are considering. This critical step provides you with enough information to decide which possibilities on your list are worth deeper exploration.

3. Reframe your history

Write a list of skills and experience that would make a person great at the work you want to do. Then, for each item, list the skills and experience you have that correlate. You’ll find you are left with very few holes; most are actually advantages because you have a fresh perspective.

4. Collect relevant experiences

Find a way to immerse yourself in the world of your target work for 4 – 8 hours per week. This can take the form of volunteer or part-time work, joining professional organizations, attending conferences, and reading industry books and news. You’ll be surprised how quickly you get up to speed, and if it doesn’t feel like play time – go back to step one!

5. Network for opportunities

Build relationships with people in your target industry, and keep your eyes open for chances to solve problems and add value. Communicate your goals clearly, but don’t expect job offers right away. Enjoy the process and act on opportunities that line up with your objectives and income requirements. In this stage, consistency and follow up are the keys to success.

Three Ways to get Closer to Work you Love

Studies have shown that more than half of the working population doesn’t enjoy what they do for a living. So they spend 40 – 60 hours per week feeling stressed out, drained, or bored in exchange for a steady paycheck and health benefits. If you have one of these jobs, or you’ve recently left one, you may wonder sometimes what it would take to find a job you really enjoy, and what it would feel like to be fulfilled and energized by your work.

Unfortunately we have so many pre-conceived notions about what it would take to build an ideal career that most people give up before they start. The biggest one is that doing work you love requires a big change in your current lifestyle: lots of risk and lots of sacrifice.

But there are many cases where just making a few small changes, like moving to a new organization, or making a slight change in your job duties, can make all the difference in the world. In other cases, you may be able to leverage your strengths and completely change industries or start a viable business without missing a beat.

Here are three ways to start the process:

1. Write a list of all the things you most enjoy. After you have completed the list, brainstorm on jobs that might relate to each item. Go beyond the obvious. For example, if you enjoy art, look at things like event planning, advertising, or product design. Also, look at the art industry itself. How is art bought and sold? What roles require people to make decisions based on their understanding of art? What roles require people to draw and sketch in their daily activities? Really get out of the box and ask others for crazy ideas if you get stuck. Sometimes the barrier is that you can only see the one path that involves risk and sacrifice. If you can see several alternative paths, they may be at least worth investigating.

2. Go beyond the surface question of what job would make you happy. Ask yourself the deeper question: what is it about the things you love that make you happy? For example, most of my clients will say they love travel. But when we think about why, their answers reveal more important insights. Some clients love to travel because it’s the only time they feel free to relax and live in the moment. Others love to experience different cultures. If you love music, ask yourself what it is about how you live with music that is different from how you currently live at work. Do you express yourself differently? Do you manage time differently? Do you manage interruptions differently?

3. Have conversations with people in a wide variety of professions, and learn what their experiences are. You may find people in jobs that are similar to yours, but in a completely different environment. You may find people making a good income in ways you’ve only dreamed of, who are very willing to share their story. The more conversations you have, the more you will learn “what’s out there”, and the better perspective you will have on your own position. Sometimes we get so immersed in our current situation that we forget that there are other ways of living and working. Getting exposed to these diverse perspectives empowers you to see new possibilities for yourself.

It only takes a few hours in your spare time to think about these questions and talk to different people. You may confirm for yourself that there is no easy way to make a change. But what if you discover some new ideas or options? If it IS possible for you to spend those same 40 – 60 hours each week feeling fulfilled and engaged, would it be worth your time to find out about it?

How to Say No With Class

Establishing boundaries on your time is critical so that you can prioritize and stay focused on what’s most important to you. But if you hate disappointing people, saying “no” can be a real challenge. Believe it or not, it is possible to refuse requests with grace. In fact, you can even empower the requester in the process! Mastering this skill will give you the time and energy you need to achieve what you really want. Here are some pointers to get you started:

1. Know when to say “no”.
If you don’t want to do something, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Ask yourself if it serves a higher purpose; is it in line with your values and goals? Gauge your internal reaction. Do you secretly feel resentful? A negative internal reaction, coupled with no clear connection to a greater personal goal, probably means you should be limiting, if not eliminating, this activity from your life.

2. Know why you are saying “no”.
Usually there is a positive standard or value you are upholding when you say no. You’ve committed to getting home from work before the kids go to bed, to exercise during your lunch hour, to get some reading or quiet time in order to balance your life. Protecting something positive gives your position validity, and increases your confidence.

3. Acknowledge your Requester’s position.
When someone comes to you with a request, it’s usually to help solve a problem or achieve a goal. At first, “no” may seem like lack of appreciation for the situation itself. Acknowledging the problem puts you on the same side of the fence, and sets the stage for exploring different possibilities. Example: “I know how important this project is to you; what other resources are available?”

4. Offer alternative solutions.
If you provide alternatives, you are helping without taking on unwanted tasks. The alternative may or may not involve you. Examples: “I have a class I don’t want to miss tonight, but I’d be willing to open up my morning for you.” Or, “I’m studying this week, but I know a website that has the information you are looking for”.

5. Shift the focus.
Moving the focus away from you and towards your requester’s success re-enforces your personal connection, and ends the conversation on a positive note. Convey confidence in their ability to handle the situation, shine, and even benefit from the challenge. Example: “You’ve been working hard, and I know you’ll make a great impression. I bet one of the sales reps would be honored to assist”.

When someone comes to you for help, looking desperate and stressed, remember that their stress is about their problem, not about your role in it. If you want to help, by all means, get involved. But keep in mind, your time is your responsibility, and you must choose what you are willing to take on. You can be a great friend, and offer incredible support just by being there to help someone calm down and get re-centered. What’s important is focusing on positive solutions, not the degree of your involvement.