How to Add Value as a New Manager without Alienating the Natives

Getting a new job is exciting – but now the pressure’s on to prove yourself…

The first several months of a new job can be incredibly stressful as you work hard to make a good impression and show your new employer that they made a good hiring decision.  But sometimes trying too hard can backfire and your efforts end up alienatating the very people you are trying to impress.  Here is a story of how one manager navigated this tricky terrain:

SITUATION

John had just been hired to head up the Operations Team at a successful, growing company.  He was eager to prove to the board that they had made a good hiring decision, and started the job with enthusiasm.  But his first few months were turning out to be much more challenging than he had anticipated.  He would use his best judgment to make a decision, only to find out he’d accidentally left someone key out of the loop.  He came up with good ideas, only to get push back from people who would patiently explain that the ideas had already been tried. He had basic questions, and was afraid to ask his busy peers for fear of appearing incompetent.  He felt like he couldn’t move projects forward, and feared that those who hired him might start having second thoughts if he didn’t get some tangible wins soon.

COACHING INSIGHTS, DECISIONS, AND ACTIONS

John had always been well-liked and respected in his prior positions, and for the first time in many years he was beginning to doubt himself.  It was a big relief for him to find out that this is a common pattern for anyone moving into a new organization.  There are cultural nuances, jargon, and interpersonal dynamics that everyone in the company takes for granted, and no one thinks to explain to newcomers.  This “way” of doing things is only noticeable when the awkwardness of an outsider’s behavior brings it to the surface.  Usually it takes four to six months for a newcomer to soak up the ins and outs of the new culture, and during that time getting the most basic parts of a new job done can be painfully slow.  Unfortunately, these same four to six months are when you are being watched and judged.  Just when you want to make your best impression, you are completely handicapped.

We discussed various ways to accelerate his assimilation process, and John liked the idea of building a relationship map.  He drew a flow chart of the organization, adding new people and connecting them to others as he met them.  We identified eight questions that would help him understand their goals, how his role connected to theirs, and how they could optimally work together: 

1.  What are your most important goals and objectives?

2.  What do you need most to acieve those goals and objectives?

3.  What do you need in particular from my department to help you achieve those goals and objectives?

4. How do you see my role connecting to yours, and how do you envision us working together?

5. How do you prefer to communicate (e-mail, voice mail, lunches, quick hallway conversations, meetings…)?

6. What are some of the biggest barriers / frustrations / challenges you face in your work?

7. Who do you trust to go to for support and advice when you need it?

8. If I do well at my job, how will that impact you?

His goal was to answer these eight questions for each person on the relationship map.

RESULTS

The relationship map project gave John something tangible to work on, and got him initiating conversations he might otherwise have avoided.  He was initially worried that the project might take away from his work, but he soon saw that the information he got from his conversations enabled him to get more done faster. 

 He found people much more receptive when he showed genuine interest in what they were trying to accomplish.  In one case he discovered that another department was working on a project that could be combined with something his team was doing, and his work with the other department head to make it happen gained him visible win # 1.  He also found that as he probed for what was currently frustrating people, he was able to come up with new ideas that people wanted to try, and this lead to more wins. 

 But most of all, he started feeling like himself again.  His network within the company solidified, and he felt confident asking “stupid” questions anytime he wasn’t sure of something.  Because the relationship map included everyone in his department, he was able to develop a deeper understanding of the strengths, weaknesses, and goals of team members and work more effectively with all of them.

KEY LEARNING

Acclimating to a new organization is usually more stressful than looking for a new job in the first place.  By working with a coach, John learned that this was a normal part of starting a new position, and he stopped questioning his competence.  This also enabled him to take a proactive approach that gave him a sense of control in a situation with a lot of unknowns.  A relationship map is a useful tool for anyone in an organization because it helps you get outside of your own head and see things from the perspectives of those who work with you.  In John’s case it helped him mitigate the natural suspicion that most people have for a newcomer in a corporate environment, accelerate his assimilation process, and build the foundation for a strong network within the organization.

Pass it on…

John’s story is quite common, so if you find yourself in a similar situation don’t despair, and see if the relationship mapping idea will work for you.   You don’t have to use the same questions or even have eight of them.  You don’t even have to schedule meetings to answer the questions; you can challenge yourself to find the answers to the questions in whatever manner most suits the environment.  The point is to create questions that will help you learn more about what things look like from the other person’s perspective. 

 If you have a friend who has just landed, is immersed in the first six months of a new job, or who is responsible for bringing in and coaching new managers – please feel free to pass this story on in case they can use it.

How to Deal with a Micro-Managing Boss

Bosses are tough to deal with in general. They represent authority, and they often bring back memories of what we hated most in our relationships with our parents and teachers growing up. The micro-managing boss is especially hard to handle if you are creative, innovative, and want to make a contribution of your own in an organization. But since quite a few people in management positions fit this profile, chances are you will end up with one at some point in your career. Here are some tips to help you get the space you need to thrive:

1. Understand that micromanaging behavior is driven by the positive characteristics of conscientiousness, diligence, and responsibility; it’s just that they have been taken to an extreme. People often confuse themselves with the quality of the work they produce. As long as they can control the quality of their work, they are ok, but as soon as they have to depend on others for results, they are faced with the fear of representing sloppy or substandard output. Since putting out less than excellent work is SO personally humiliating, they need constant reassurance that the team is performing. Keep in mind that behavior such as constant checking on your progress or reviewing your work has NOTHING to do with how well you perform. It is about your boss, who has gotten so caught up in his or her fears and needs for reassurance that he or she is not aware of how this behavior may be impacting you.

2. You can give yourself space by playing to their standards for excellence and needs for reassurance. Initiate a conversation about expectations and standards of work output, and make sure your boss is clear about where your standards are. If you have a difference of opinion, get it talked out and come to an agreement about what standards you are both comfortable with. Then COMMUNICATE. It’s natural to react to micro-management by doing everything possible to avoid communication. But that just plays into the vicious circle of mutual mistrust and escalates the problem. If you develop a habit of sending a short e-mail on a daily or weekly basis that gives your status on a project and how you are handling situations, the boss gets a stream of continuous reassurance, and wont feel a strong need to check in.

3. Once you have developed a certain degree of trust with your boss, you may want to take it to the next step, and that is providing feedback on the impact of the micromanaging behavior. For example, “I notice that you have redone my last three powerpoint presentations. I understand your desire to have us represented in a positive light, but you may not realize that you are sending a subtle message, that I can’t do powerpoint presentations, and that makes me feel less excited about doing them well in the first place. Is there something specific you are noticing about the way I do my presentations that does not meet the standards we agreed on related to our work?”

Unfortunately, the micro-managing boss ends up fulfilling his own fears. As he takes more responsibility for the work of the team, the team feels completely disempowered and loses the motivation to produce their best work. Soon they are complaining and doing very little, and he is fretting about how they don’t care and he has the weight of more than one job on his shoulders. It may take several attempts to help him turn around, because he needs to let go and allow himself to look bad in order to re-empower the team, build trust, and get to the point where he gets results that are better than he ever dreamed.

If you are a micro-manager, or you work for one, anything you can do to facilitate the change will be a positive learning experience. Giving your boss feedback that enables him to become a better leader is a gift he will be forever grateful for. And if you are that boss, imagine getting rid of the experience of being overworked and not being able to trust anyone, and moving to a place where you get to work with people who consistently go well beyond the call of duty, and you are so honored to be their leader that you would never consider taking ownership for the phenomenal work they put forth.

Join the forum discussion on this post

Losing Yourself for the Sake of Being Nice

I picked up a book at the library recently about the development of girls as they move through adolescence, and was struck by a process that was described over and over, where young girls let go of who they really are in order to say the “right things” and act the “right way” – the way that seems necessary to keep their friends and build the life they think they want. 

Most of my adult clients hire me to become more of who they really are: to discover what will make them happy, to communicate more authentically, to develop healthier relationships, and in general to begin living life on their terms.

I don’t know if it ever occurred to me to wonder when and why they stopped living life on their terms in the first place.  But reading this book made me think about it. 

Essentially, the researchers interviewed girls every year from when they were nine years old to sixteen years old.  What they found is that when the girls were nine, ten, and sometimes eleven, they handled conflict with their friends directly.  They spoke out about their disagreements, stood for what they wanted, and were comfortable having friendships with kids who had different opinions, wants, and needs.   But between the ages of eleven to thirteen things began to change, and the girls began to use their observations about relationships to gauge what they should say to “be nice”, and that began to take precedence over their real thoughts and feelings.   

During this transition, many of the girls sensed the duality of how they really felt about things compared to what they were willing to say, but they felt it would be easier to get along and keep their friends if they were careful, and only said things that wouldn’t make the other kids mad.  Angry and “selfish” feelings were buried, and replaced with lies that kept everyone “happy” and smiling on the surface.   The irony of all this is that the girls craved authentic and genuine relationships, and the motivation for their inauthentic behavior was to maintain relationships.  They created plastic relationships based only on niceness and happy feelings, and buried the darker sides of themselves, feeling isolated and misunderstood.  Meanwhile, girls inadvertently hurt each other more by talking behind backs instead of confronting each other, making up lies, avoiding, and otherwise pouring a lot of energy into trying to manipulate social situations.  The more plastic friendships they struggled to maintain, the fewer real friends they had whom they could trust and be themselves with.

Most women have continued this pattern into adulthood.  We are kind and nice and helpful and giving on the outside, and we avoid conflicts and differences of opinions.  We don’t know how to tell our friends that we’ve been hurt by their actions, so we bury the hurt and handle it quietly, then pretend nothing was ever wrong.  We agree to help each other when we really don’t want to, we pretend to be friends with people we really don’t like, we stay superficial and sweet on the surface, and feel lonely and isolated underneath, not ever sure of who we truly are or what we truly want.

This is what we teach our daughters and the cycle continues.

I would love to teach my daughter how to be completely authentic in her relationships and get real joy from her friendships.  But the best way to do this is to model it, and I realize that means I have to find the courage to express my full self in my own relationships so she can witness and model it.  It’s not easy when you have a habit of monitoring yourself to make sure nothing you say is hurtful, and negative feelings are so buried they don’t even seem to exist anymore.  But I’ve been working on becoming more and more authentic over the years – and it really does work better!

What about you?  Where have you lost your real self, for the sake of being an ideal version of what society says you should be?  What would you be willing to do to get your real self back?

For any of you who would like to read this book, it is called, “Meeting at the Crossroads – Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development” by Lyn Mikel Brown & Carol Gilligan, and the link is to the book on Amazon.  It is a bit of an academic read in the beginning, but gets better once you get into the actual conversations with the girls.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

The Power of Understanding How Needs Work

Working with Nahid

I first hired Nahid 3 years ago, when I graduated with my M.B.A. from Pepperdine University. Nahid’s coaching was beneficial for me in two ways. First, she helped me to explore career options that might best utilize my M.B.A. I wanted to incorporate my background, my education, and my interests into a logical career path that I would enjoy. Until that point, I’d been in Engineering, and through this process with Nahid, it became clear to me that I wanted to transition into Project Management.

Then Nahid helped me to successfully target ideal companies and to navigate the actual job transition. I landed a great position in an excellent company, where today I’m able to leverage my Engineering background, while increasing my role in Project Management over time. I really enjoy what I do, and am working on a P.M.P. certification, as well.

Recently, I reconnected with Nahid, because I wanted to plan my next career and life steps.  I joined the Aspyrre Community program, which I can easily incorporate into my busy work schedule. 

My “Aha!” Moment

During a Needs Workshop, a major shift occurred for me, while reading through our workbook.  I suddenly became more acutely aware of my collective needs. Then, during the workshop, I had an “aha!” moment.  I recognized that I have the power to get my needs met more easily, and in ways I might have dismissed in the past. Whether it be at work, in my community, or anywhere – I can come from a more empowered place.

I realized I don’t have to be dependent on people or situations outside of myself to get my needs met. There are an abundance of opportunities in the world, without anyone or any particular person or company being in control of my life or my needs. Today I’m practicing applying this knowledge in all my daily interactions, and I’m also glad that I can go to the Community Library and listen to the tele-class recording any time I like.

I’d like to add that while the Needs Workshop isn’t something that you’d find in the mainstream of personal & professional development programs, it is absolutely life-changing!! It really needs to be introduced to more people as an awareness and personal empowerment tool.

My Results

My perspective and my relationship dynamics have changed for the better, since I have more compassion for the needs of others, as well as for my own.  Specifically, one situation that changed is this. I’d had one particular relationship at work where a communication dynamic had been uncomfortable for me.   After doing the Needs Workshop, I was able to identify this situation clearly. I requested a time to talk, and then I addressed my concern and calmly took ownership up front for my contribution, while also asking that my needs be met. To my surprise, the other person responded positively and professionally. Two months later I’m enjoying a much more functional and enjoyable relationship, and I see even more opportunities for working together in the future.

Why I Recommend Nahid and the Aspyrre Community Program

Nahid takes situations and dilemmas that might otherwise seem overwhelming, and turns them into concepts and ideas that are easy to understand and approach.  She distills the abstract into concrete steps that can be implemented quickly. In a sense, it’s like she gives you a set of tools. Plus, I trust Nahid implicitly, so I know that a method she recommends is not going backfire on me. Finally, she brings the emotional side into the business world, with her unique background and her skills. I’m a big fan of Nahid
as a top notch professional coach, and I highly recommend The Aspyrre Community.

L. Christine

Needs at Work

What are “Needs” and why do they have everything to do with how things go at work?

Do you remember the last time someone pushed your buttons?  

In that instant, did it seem like they crossed the line, almost intentionally? 

What emotions got triggered, and how did you control your reaction?

That emotional reaction comes from having a need that isn’t being met, and this is important because almost every single ridiculous thing that happens between people at work, happens because someone has a need that isn’t being met.  Most of us aren’t aware of our needs.  We just experience spurts of annoyance and frustration with each other, but in a work environment, it’s an ongoing battle of unresolved animosity that undermines trust, communication, and productivity to the nth degree. 

We may be able to hold ourselves back from reacting in the moment, but then we vent like crazy to our friends, we “forget” to provide information that the “button pusher” needs, we go out of our way to avoid him or her, and our judgments of each other get harsher.  Eventually we decide we simply can’t work together at all. 

All it takes is one struggle like this on a team to undermine productivity, but most teams have several “button pushing incidents” going on in tandem, and repeating themselves regularly.

If you make it your business to understand how needs work, you have the power to break through the barriers and maintain a productive work environment, both for yourself and your team. 

Here are a few tips to get started:

1. Keep a log of all of your “emotional reactions” at work.  Write down the situation and ask yourself “what did I need in this moment?”   Listen to the first word or phrase that comes up, and write it down – even if it seems silly.  

2. Once your log gets long enough, see if you can find a pattern.  If the same words or phrases repeat themselves, you may have nailed an important need.  You will also notice that the same people or situations will serve as a trigger for the need, over and over again.

3. At first, it will seem like the only solution is to make the person who is “pushing your buttons” change their behavior and treat you differently.  Often the person is someone you have to work with a lot, like your boss, team-mate or subordinate.  Unfortunately, you have to start this process by accepting that the person in question will probably not change.   BUT the good news is that as you do the needs work, focused on YOURSELF, your reactions to the person move to neutral, and as a result you are able to provide more effective feedback, and the person does  change.   You just have to be willing to take the indirect route, work on yourself first, and trust that things will end up changing as a result. 

4. The person who really has control of getting your needs met is YOU, even though it seems like other people are the source of what you need.   What you’ll realize once you do some thinking, is that you have more power than you think, and you’ll also begin to see what you can do to influence the world around you and get more of what you need. 

5. An interesting paradox about needs is that we often close ourselves off to receiving what we most need from others.  It’s like having trouble accepting compliments.  One of the biggest things you have to learn is to graciously receive what you need when it comes to you, even if you don’t really care that much for the source.  

6. You also have to learn to give YOURSELF a lot of what you need – listen to that inner voice, and notice what you say to yourself over and over again.   If you need to be accepted, are you accepting yourself?  If you need to be heard, are you ignoring yourself?   It seems like an odd thing to check for, but you may be surprised when you start paying attention.

7. Once you get a feel for how needs play out in your own life, start observing other people and their interactions at work.  Pay attention in meetings and notice when someone has an edge to their voice, a hint of sarcasm or resentment.  You’ll begin to pick up on the dynamics of others on your team, and may even find subtle ways to intervene and facilitate better interactions across the whole team.

At work, whenever things start getting weird, one of the most powerful things you can ask is this: “are you getting everything you need in this situation?”   If you are genuine, this question can dissipate emotion from people who aren’t even aware they are reacting, and give them an opportunity to articulate what they do need.  Sometimes it’s as simple as clarity on priorities, extra time to finish a project, or appreciation for work they did that is no longer going to be used.

As independent and self-sufficient professionals, we don’t want to “have needs”.   But whether we want to admit it or not, we all have this stuff going on underneath, and if it’s not dealt with directly, it shows up anyway – resulting in poor communication, inefficient team-work, and wasted time, which no organization can afford these days.

No matter what type of organization you work in, you can take yourself to the next level by learning about your own needs.  Start with the seven tips above, or you can join the Aspyrre Community, an ongoing professional development program, that provides insight to help you see what’s really behind challenging situations at work, and tools to manage the situations effectively and get better results.  For more information on the Aspyrre Community, click here.

My Favorite “Effectivity Tool”

I love “effectivity tools” – anything tangible that not only helps you work more effectively, but also helps you BE more effective. To me an “effectivity tool” is anything that can move you

From THIS:

• Boredom and frustration with some if not all of your work, procrastination, lack of concentration or motivation.
• Being pulled at from multiple directions to the point where you are juggling the best you can and still dropping balls all over the place.
• Getting frustrated with difficult people, reacting in conversations, judging others, or trying to get a point across without being heard, recognized, or respected.
• Spending most of your day doing what has to be done, with so little time left over you are too tired to engage with something you truly enjoy, and you end up zoning out in front of the television, computer, or food.

To THIS:

• You are focused and engaged with whatever is on your “to do” list today.
• When something “comes at you” you can calmly adapt and handle it without having it throw you off or ruin your day.
• In every interaction you have, from a difficult negotiation to a mentoring conversation to a big presentation to a chat with the cashier at the store, you are clear, confident, and have the impact you desire.
• Every day you make progress towards your goals, AND you enjoy spending free time doing what is most important to YOU.

There are all sorts of “tools” out there, from software applications that make life easier, to time management techniques, to models that make it easier to understand and label what is going on in a situation so you can handle it better.

My favorite tools give you three things:

1. A new way to look at a situation or event, so you have more and better information about it.
2. Tips for how to handle a situation or event, so you can get better results.
3. Insight about yourself, so that you change, and as a result, your situations change.

This November, in our “change your beliefs” workshop, I am going to talk about one of my favorite tools. This tool helps you:

1. Notice that you are looking at most situations through the filter of your assumptions, and helps you see the perspectives you hadn’t considered.
2. In situations that upset or anger you, this tool can help you change your emotions to neutral, so that your response is more effective and you get better results.
3. You can also use this tool to identify habitual patterns of seeing situations that no longer serve you, and can help you change entire patterns in your life.

It’s one of the most important tools I’ve used myself, and it has helped me become much more calm and confident in situations that used to worry and embarrass me.

I would love to share the tool with you in our upcoming November 10th workshop. For more information on it, click here.

Hope to see you there!

Five Keys to Leaving the Impression You Want

(1) Dress the Part

Beyond dressing well, choose a style that speaks to the characteristics you want remembered. Do you want to portray money and power, down-to-earth warmth, creative genius, hard worker? If you don’t know where to start, watch other people, monitor the impressions you have of them, and look at what they are wearing. Look at pictures in magazines, talk to at least three friends to get an opinion. Go to an expert and spend extra money to get three to five outfits you feel confident wearing.

(2) Categorize Yourself

Whether you like it or not, people do not have the brain capacity or the motivation to remember all your wonderful characteristics, talents, and accomplishments. They will categorize you if they can, and if they can’t, they wont remember you at all.
Take control of what others remember about you by creating a simple and clear picture of who you are, what you have to offer, how they can help you. One method for doing this is to first give your name and a major category most people can relate to and then add something that makes you special or different. If you can’t think of anything that makes you stand out, ask ten people who know you well for some ideas.
For example, if someone tells me they are a “Financial Planner” at a networking function, I may or may not know what a financial planner is and I may or may not ask more questions. Usually I wont ask much because I don’t want to encourage a sales pitch. Even if I get and keep the business card, it will probably go into the stack of other cards and get lost. On the other hand, if I meet the following two people at a networking function, I will be much more likely to remember them, and at some point send them referrals.

a. Hello, I’m Ann Smith. I’m a financial planner who specializes in helping people get out of debt. I spend extra time teaching my clients key concepts and clearing up misconceptions so they can make wiser decisions on how to manage their money. I work with people who are overwhelmed with their financial situation and need someone to help them through it step by step.

b. Hello, I’m David Longfellow. I am a financial planner who specializes in maximizing the value of my client’s assets. I work well with busy executives who simply don’t have time to worry about money. I do all the work and provide them with short but frequent progress reports so they know they are in good hands.

Notice that both introductions can be said in less than 30 seconds. Each one gives you enough information to categorize that person in your mind. You know something unique about the service they offer and have an idea of the kind of person you might refer to them. Through a carefully crafted introduction, they have greatly increased the likelihood that you will remember and refer them a week or two later when you run into their “perfect” client.

(3) It’s Not About You

The impression you make has a lot less to do with you than your audience: what they want to accomplish, what they are worried about, what they fear, what they need. Most people you meet have their own agenda – and it’s not to hear everything about you. Even a job interviewer is after pretty specific information, regardless of how open-ended his questions are. It often has to do with the positive or negative characteristics of the last person who held the position. If that person had a hard time fitting in, they are probably looking for good team players. If he didn’t take initiative, they’ll want someone who seems assertive.

At a networking event, people will be much more likely to listen to you if they think you might become a helpful member of their network. It’s well worth your time to hold off on pitching your case and listen for a while. Put yourself in their shoes. Find out who they are, what they are trying to accomplish, and see if you can fit into their picture. Your “30 second introduction” doesn’t have to roll off your tongue at the beginning of the discussion. If you listen first, you can customize it to what you learn.

Meanwhile, just by showing interest you will make a far stronger impression than anything you can say about yourself. If you can find a way to help others achieve their goals you add the element of reciprocity, and they will want to help you as well. One word of warning – don’t pretend to be interested if you aren’t, and don’t offer help you don’t really want to give. People smell insincerity a mile away and, as a “technique” this will backfire.

(4) Bring a Token to Leave Behind

A business card, a resume, a small brochure or flyer. If you want to make a lasting impression, your “leave behind” can work wonders. Make it something they will want to keep and refer to. Categorize it for them so they know where to file it. Have it match the overall impression you are trying to make. Use nice paper if you want to be seen as professional. Keep it clean and simple, with basic but useful information. Anything too big, bulky, or detailed will be seen as clutter. Anything too “cheap-looking” will be an easy target for the trash bin. Think about what you keep in your workspace or in reference files. If you have a business, you may want to get creative and pass out personalized pens, pads of paper, or refrigerator magnets.

(5) Leave them wanting more.

And make it easy for them to get it. Don’t pressure yourself to inundate people with information about yourself or your business. Get your basic point across and then relax and get to know people on a more casual and genuine level. Let them get a glimpse of the real you, and don’t worry about being perfect. People feel much more comfortable when they can relax and enjoy themselves, even during very professional interactions such as a job interview. Interviewers officially assess candidate qualifications, but they also look for people who will be fun to work with. Your personality makes you real, and it allows people to connect with you and enjoy the experience of being with you.

A big part of this experience is allowing space and time to get to know each other. Get contact information from people you want to stay in touch with and follow up. Sometimes it takes several years for a relationship to turn into a business or career opportunity, and sometimes only a few weeks. It is rare that deals are made and closed in one meeting. So do your best to prepare, be yourself, make the best impression you know how to make, and then don’t depend on it. Follow up regularly and add to the impression over time.

How to Say No With Class

Establishing boundaries on your time is critical so that you can prioritize and stay focused on what’s most important to you. But if you hate disappointing people, saying “no” can be a real challenge. Believe it or not, it is possible to refuse requests with grace. In fact, you can even empower the requester in the process! Mastering this skill will give you the time and energy you need to achieve what you really want. Here are some pointers to get you started:

1. Know when to say “no”.
If you don’t want to do something, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Ask yourself if it serves a higher purpose; is it in line with your values and goals? Gauge your internal reaction. Do you secretly feel resentful? A negative internal reaction, coupled with no clear connection to a greater personal goal, probably means you should be limiting, if not eliminating, this activity from your life.

2. Know why you are saying “no”.
Usually there is a positive standard or value you are upholding when you say no. You’ve committed to getting home from work before the kids go to bed, to exercise during your lunch hour, to get some reading or quiet time in order to balance your life. Protecting something positive gives your position validity, and increases your confidence.

3. Acknowledge your Requester’s position.
When someone comes to you with a request, it’s usually to help solve a problem or achieve a goal. At first, “no” may seem like lack of appreciation for the situation itself. Acknowledging the problem puts you on the same side of the fence, and sets the stage for exploring different possibilities. Example: “I know how important this project is to you; what other resources are available?”

4. Offer alternative solutions.
If you provide alternatives, you are helping without taking on unwanted tasks. The alternative may or may not involve you. Examples: “I have a class I don’t want to miss tonight, but I’d be willing to open up my morning for you.” Or, “I’m studying this week, but I know a website that has the information you are looking for”.

5. Shift the focus.
Moving the focus away from you and towards your requester’s success re-enforces your personal connection, and ends the conversation on a positive note. Convey confidence in their ability to handle the situation, shine, and even benefit from the challenge. Example: “You’ve been working hard, and I know you’ll make a great impression. I bet one of the sales reps would be honored to assist”.

When someone comes to you for help, looking desperate and stressed, remember that their stress is about their problem, not about your role in it. If you want to help, by all means, get involved. But keep in mind, your time is your responsibility, and you must choose what you are willing to take on. You can be a great friend, and offer incredible support just by being there to help someone calm down and get re-centered. What’s important is focusing on positive solutions, not the degree of your involvement.

How To Toot Your Horn With Class

Have you ever sacrificed your personal time for a project at work, only to get little to no appreciation for your efforts? Or witnessed an officemate get praise and recognition for a project you put just as much work into? How many times have you felt overlooked, and wondered if playing politics or brown-nosing would have more of an impact on your career than solid hard work?

The truth is that excellent work by itself sometimes does get overlooked, and part of managing a successful career involves getting visibility and selling yourself. If you don’t take responsibility for getting your achievements noticed, they most likely wont be, and you will feel overworked, underpaid, and unnoticed. But before you resign yourself to becoming a sleazy success or a respectable failure, imagine the possibility of getting the visibility you deserve and preserving your integrity along with it.

It’s important to understand these basic facts about getting visibility:

1. Visibility sometimes gets a bad rap: “Horn-Tooters” can be mislabeled by resentful co-workers.

2. Most bosses can see right through employees who are all talk and no substance, and are usually more irritated by them than you are.

3. Employees who don’t showcase their accomplishments are harder for bosses to manage.

4. You don’t have to boast, brag, step over co-workers, or otherwise sacrifice common human decency to showcase your accomplishments.

5. If you aren’t getting the visibility you deserve, there’s a chance you are playing victim.

6. If you are playing victim, you may be working very, very hard, but you are most likely not performing to your potential.

If getting visibility rubs you the wrong way, you’re not alone. In fact, for most people it evokes an image of someone who is out for himself, taking credit for the work of others, boasting, sucking up to the boss, and otherwise displaying completely undesirable personality traits. Given the choice of being under-appreciated or being mistaken for a “horn-tooter”, many of us would rather err on the under-appreciated side. Although we may not think it’s quite fair, we’d prefer to be thought of as decent corporate citizens than sacrifice our integrity to get more money, power, customers, opportunity, or whatever else it is we want. The funny thing is, we still suspect that some of those around us lack our moral commitment, and are somehow making out better because of their game playing. Corporate environments vary, but in times of uncertainty the overall lack of trust peaks, along with politics, rumors, and unwarranted accusations towards those who appear to be “getting” too much visibility.

Most employees feel that their efforts go unrecognized, and often worry about how they are perceived at work. However, this topic rarely gets discussed until a major disappointment hits, such as a low score on an evaluation, or missing out on a promotion or important responsibility. Then, in the midst of the shock and disappointment enters the thought, “I just don’t feel comfortable tooting my own horn”. That notion is incredibly soothing, because it places the blame on something other than personal performance. If the personal “flaw” that got you overlooked is your inability to play politics, then you are off the hook. Because that isn’t really a flaw – it makes you a good person, protects your ego, places the blame on the system, and gives you a moral “one up” on your peers who got a better score or more accolades.

When employees feel powerless and uncertain, resentment towards the few who succeed can spread like an airborne virus, especially in organizations that don’t stress pro-active communication. In these environments, employees become victims instead of stars, and those who buck the system and work hard at being a star often get stigmatized.

That being said, the overall negative connotation surrounding “tooting your own horn” is not entirely unfounded. There are many charismatic young professionals who “play the game” the way they think it should be played without regard for their co-workers. You see them coming a mile away – their insincerity repulses you, and you dread working with them.

Here’s some good news: so does your boss. And their boss. To prove this to yourself, think of everyone you know whom you consistently did not trust at work. Were you the only one who didn’t trust this person? In fact, can you remember many who did? And if you have ever managed a team that included a charmer who wasn’t pulling his weight, you probably spent many frustrating hours trying to figure out how to manage the situation.

No matter how unfair your situation seems, resenting fellow employees will not get you the recognition you deserve or the reputation you desire. In fact, if you express resentment on the job, even in subtle ways, such as through private gossip, sarcastic remarks, or innuendo, you will most likely be seen as a victim. Victims don’t take responsibility for their own happiness, and they simply aren’t fun to be around. So, while a person who vies for unwarranted recognition may at least be tolerated, harder working employees who are always unhappy and complaining about something, tend to be avoided.

Handle your anger. Feel it, express it, and problem-solve in a safe environment away from work. Then come to work in a professional frame of mind, ready to implement your solution.

The problem most people have with getting recognition is that they don’t know how to go about it without being manipulative. Recognition comes from others, and you can’t control what they think or say about you. So, in order to influence the powers that be, you feel like you have to “sell” your accomplishments by advertising them.

But true recognition is rarely sparked by a self-advertisement. In fact, the good news is that the best way to get real recognition has almost nothing to do with trying to get recognition. It has to do with working hard, producing excellent results, and taking it one step further by responsibility communicating the value of what you and others are doing to those who can benefit from it.

There are four keys to getting recognition with professionalism and class:

1. Recognize Your Needs

When people don’t feel appreciated at work, it is often because they sacrificed something important in order to meet expectations. However, the person requesting the effort usually isn’t aware of the sacrifice and therefore doesn’t acknowledge it. It’s important to let people know when complying with a request will conflict with other priorities – whether they are personal or job-related. Then negotiate for a solution that will work for all parties.

For example, your boss brings you a project on Friday at 3:00pm and asks if you can have it done by Monday. This kind of project typically takes three days, and you have important plans with your family this weekend. Before panicking, simply suggest an alternative. “I can get it done for you by Wednesday, will that work?” Sometimes we assume that our boss isn’t going to be flexible and don’t even think to ask.

Another way to handle a situation like this is to use the following three step model: state the parameters, indicate your desire to produce the requested results, suggest one or two potential solutions.

1. State the parameters: “You would like this done by Monday. This kind of project typically takes three days. I am willing to spend extra time outside of work hours in some circumstances, but I have reserved this weekend for my family, and it would be difficult for me to re-arrange our plans.”

2. Indicate your desire to produce the requested results: “I know this is important for the company and I want to help make it happen.”

3. Suggest one or two potential solutions: “Is it possible to extend your deadline until Tuesday? I would be willing to stay late on Monday night to get it done. Or, I could produce these two essential parts of the project by Monday, and follow up with the background details on Tuesday”

In most instances, your boss will want to work with you and negotiate. Even in the cases where he doesn’t, and you end up agreeing to re-arrange your weekend time, he will understand the degree to which you’ve extended yourself.

Notice in the example that the details of the plans were not disclosed. If your “plans” consisted of laying around the house watching movies, they can be just as important as a trip out of town. Respect and honor the time you set aside for yourself, and you’ll find that others respect it too.

2. Share your progress as a gift

It’s important to share your accomplishments. Others can apply what you’ve learned to their projects. Your boss will be better able to guide your efforts. People will know how you can help them. The key to avoiding the negative “horn-tooting” perception is how you present the information.

1. Know your purpose for sharing the information. If it’s just to get recognition, don’t bother sharing it. You’ll be recognized as someone trying to get recognition.

2. Know how your audience can use the information. If they can’t use it, don’t waste their time. People will stop paying attention to you.

3. Present your information in a format that makes it very easy for your audience to use. Prepare a progress report for your boss that ties your accomplishment to a specific performance objective. Send a short summary of what you learned from a project to those you think can apply the information. Include a graph they can paste into a presentation and a link to a more detailed report. Offer to do a presentation or training on what you’ve learned. Make sure the presentation is focused less on what you did and more on how they can apply it.

3. Recognize Others

You don’t have to be the boss to give recognition. Whenever you witness positive work or deeds, take the time to acknowledge it. Sometimes you will do this by sending an e-mail and copying a boss, but it doesn’t have to be that formal. Just letting people know that you’ve noticed their efforts can be powerful. Besides the natural good feeling you get when you’ve done something nice, consistently looking for and recognizing the achievements of others directly benefits you and your company in several ways:

a. It increases your awareness of the positive work going on around you.

b. People will be more likely to repeat the actions you recognize.

c. You will likely emulate the work habits you recognize, increasing your own effectiveness and success.

d. People will associate you with the values you recognize in others, and notice the actions you take to support those values.

e. People will genuinely recognize and appreciate you.

4. Accept recognition gracefully

Sometimes it is embarrassing to get recognition. Self-doubt sets in. You wonder if you deserve it. No matter how well you stick to your work ethics and values, there will always be someone who resents you and complains – and that gets back to you. Sometimes recognition can actually be painful. One example of this is when upper management uses you to send a negative message to others, comparing your performance to theirs. But even when it is genuine, it is often embarrassing to be in the spotlight, with all eyes on you – waiting for your reaction. If you appear too proud, you might seem to be “gloating”. But at the same time you don’t want to discredit yourself.

a. Smile and say “thank you” genuinely – you’ve been given a gift

b. If appropriate, add a comment which includes three components: your specific action, the specific result, and how you felt doing it. Here are two examples:

i. “Thank you, I’m so glad my extra work on the spreadsheet made it easier for you to move forward. I enjoyed doing it, and learned a few tricks that I would be happy to share with anyone working on a similar project”

ii. “Thank you. I know staying here until 2:00am sounds like outlandish commitment, but I have such a passion for this project that I was on a roll, and getting it done before month-end made it worth the effort”

This approach demystifies the recognition, by tangibly tying it to specific actions and results. It reinforces the true spirit behind your efforts, and it gracefully moves the focus away from you to the project or company.

So the next time you feel that wave of resentment coming on, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I taking on extra work I don’t want, and expecting others to notice and give me the break I deserve?

If so, take care of yourself. Whenever you place the burden of your peace of mind on others, even “authority figures” you lose.

2. Am I communicating the value of what I do to those who can benefit from it?

If not, begin to think about how others in your organization can use the results of your work, and share the information in a way that can help them.

3. Am I recognizing the positive contributions of others?

Most people are self-absorbed, and if they notice much about others, it’s the negatives. Look for people and characteristics you can admire and emulate. Take responsibility for being a positive force in your organization or community. Then feel it rub off on you.

4. When I do get recognized, am I awkward or embarrassed?

You might be making it difficult for people to recognize you because they don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Learn how to accept a compliment and acknowledgment with grace by saying “thank you”.

The bottom line is that you will get recognized when you help others by sharing information that will make their job easier. Your accomplishments can directly contribute to speeding up a project someone else is working on by providing them with valuable information or just giving them ideas of new ways to approach their work.

Managing Your Boss

Many of us hope and expect that our boss will turn out to be a great coach and mentor, someone who guides us with the wisdom of experience, supports us with training and constructive feedback, gives us challenging and meaningful assignments, promotes our successes to upper management, and always has our career path and best interests in mind. Some of us are lucky enough to find that kind of boss – maybe once, in our entire career.

But for the most part, we find bosses who are almost as lost in the organization as we are, trying to prove themselves, find meaning in their work, and plot their own career path as best they can. Some managers came by the title due to technical experience alone and have little talent or interest in the “people management” part of their duties. Others want to be managers, but are so wrapped up in the role that their attempts to guide and support the team seem self-serving.

Either way, as an employee, you are powerless until you have worked out a way to effectively manage your boss.

Wait a minute, you ask. Isn’t that presumptuous? Since when do I manage my boss? Isn’t it his job to manage me? Yes. Technically it is. But chances are 9 to 1 that your boss does not know all your hopes, dreams, talents, skills and interests. That he or she doesn’t have a clear idea of where you want to be in five or ten years or a major investment in getting you there. If your boss does, appreciate the relationship as the diamond it is, and you can stop reading this article right now.

But the rest of us have a clear choice to make. One is to sit back and let our boss manage the relationship with us. We may learn something, we may get lucky, but we wont have control over our destiny, and there is no guarantee that we will move forward in our career. And the second is to create a strategy to work effectively with our boss. This is possible, no matter who or how difficult your boss is. You can get started by taking the following steps.

1. See your boss as a person, not your parent or teacher.

Your current relationship with your boss probably has a lot to do with how well you’ve worked with authority figures in your past. If something your boss does angers you, ask yourself what you were expecting – and what kind of people in your life you would expect this from.

2. Let go of your boss’s faults

Every human needs to grow and improve in several areas. Your boss has a right to his faults, just as you do. Recognize this, and choose NOT to emulate the characteristics that aren’t effective in the workplace. In fact, as you develop a stronger relationship with your boss, you may be able to help him become more effective.

3. Know what you can learn from your boss.

No matter how incompetent or inexperienced your boss appears to you, she most likely has at least one thing on you. She probably has more experience or technical expertise in at least one area related to your job. She also may be more effective at handling difficult situations at work. Look for what she does well – this represents an excellent opportunity for you to improve your own skills.

4. Step into your boss’s shoes

Remember that your boss also has a boss. Lower level supervisors and managers often feel less power than their own employees because they feel pressure from above and below. Directors and Vice Presidents often find themselves caught in a very competitive political game, whether they want to be there or not. Even the owner of the company has competitors to fight with, customers to fight for, and lots of uncertainty to deal with. If you know what your boss is trying to figure out or accomplish, you will have a better understanding of his priorities and how you and your work fit in.

5. Learn your boss’s preferred communication style

How does your boss prefer to communicate? Does she respond better to ideas presented in written proposals, formal presentations, or casual suggestions in meetings or hallway conversations? Does she give direct feedback openly or prefer private “behind closed doors” meetings? Does she like voice mail or e-mail better? If you adapt to her way of communicating, you have a better chance of getting attention when you need it.

6. Know how your boss tracks results

Formal progress reports are great – but don’t be fooled by them. Some bosses don’t read them until review time, and depend on casual conversations to know what’s going on. Regardless of how your boss takes in information, it’s essential for him to quickly retrieve information he needs about you. This is key to your success, both at review time, and when he happens to be having a conversation with his own boss about a project you are involved with. Make sure you are tracking your own progress and taking responsibility to keep him informed in his way, so he’ll have your list of successes at his fingertips when he needs it. This is different from “tooting your horn”. If you brag or boast arrogantly, you will annoy your boss as well as your co-workers. Responsible progress reporting is succinct, easy to remember, and tangibly tied to the objectives of the team or project.

7. Know your own needs

What do you need from your boss? What kind of direction or feedback do you need on your work? How often do you prefer to communicate? Know what your boss can do to best support your success. Communicate this to your boss in professional and tangible terms. And make it easy for her to comply. For example, “I work best when given a written checklist of objectives for a project, because I then use my checklist to keep me focused”. If your boss prefers to describe the project to you verbally, ask permission to take notes, and show her your “list of objectives” to get agreement and start you on the right foot.

8. Find a good coach or mentor

We all need support and guidance in our career. What we forget sometimes is that our boss is not our only resource. Take responsibility for creating at least three support systems in your life, and in a time of transition, increase that number to five. Besides family and a small circle of positive, supportive friends, find some people with the expertise you need to be successful. Find one or more mentors through a formal mentorship program or by networking. Create your own personal “advisory board” or success group with others in your field. Hire a coach. Enroll in trainings and workshops. Join professional associations. Keep in mind that each professional connection you have outside of your current work system will enlarge your perspective, and your network. And THAT makes your relationship with your boss a less significant factor in your career success. You would be amazed at how much easier it is to get along with your boss when so much less is at stake.

Take these steps and separate yourself from the personality and competence level of your boss. Then you can look at the bigger picture and create a strategy to get where you want to be in your career – on track and on purpose.