Losing Yourself for the Sake of Being Nice

I picked up a book at the library recently about the development of girls as they move through adolescence, and was struck by a process that was described over and over, where young girls let go of who they really are in order to say the “right things” and act the “right way” – the way that seems necessary to keep their friends and build the life they think they want. 

Most of my adult clients hire me to become more of who they really are: to discover what will make them happy, to communicate more authentically, to develop healthier relationships, and in general to begin living life on their terms.

I don’t know if it ever occurred to me to wonder when and why they stopped living life on their terms in the first place.  But reading this book made me think about it. 

Essentially, the researchers interviewed girls every year from when they were nine years old to sixteen years old.  What they found is that when the girls were nine, ten, and sometimes eleven, they handled conflict with their friends directly.  They spoke out about their disagreements, stood for what they wanted, and were comfortable having friendships with kids who had different opinions, wants, and needs.   But between the ages of eleven to thirteen things began to change, and the girls began to use their observations about relationships to gauge what they should say to “be nice”, and that began to take precedence over their real thoughts and feelings.   

During this transition, many of the girls sensed the duality of how they really felt about things compared to what they were willing to say, but they felt it would be easier to get along and keep their friends if they were careful, and only said things that wouldn’t make the other kids mad.  Angry and “selfish” feelings were buried, and replaced with lies that kept everyone “happy” and smiling on the surface.   The irony of all this is that the girls craved authentic and genuine relationships, and the motivation for their inauthentic behavior was to maintain relationships.  They created plastic relationships based only on niceness and happy feelings, and buried the darker sides of themselves, feeling isolated and misunderstood.  Meanwhile, girls inadvertently hurt each other more by talking behind backs instead of confronting each other, making up lies, avoiding, and otherwise pouring a lot of energy into trying to manipulate social situations.  The more plastic friendships they struggled to maintain, the fewer real friends they had whom they could trust and be themselves with.

Most women have continued this pattern into adulthood.  We are kind and nice and helpful and giving on the outside, and we avoid conflicts and differences of opinions.  We don’t know how to tell our friends that we’ve been hurt by their actions, so we bury the hurt and handle it quietly, then pretend nothing was ever wrong.  We agree to help each other when we really don’t want to, we pretend to be friends with people we really don’t like, we stay superficial and sweet on the surface, and feel lonely and isolated underneath, not ever sure of who we truly are or what we truly want.

This is what we teach our daughters and the cycle continues.

I would love to teach my daughter how to be completely authentic in her relationships and get real joy from her friendships.  But the best way to do this is to model it, and I realize that means I have to find the courage to express my full self in my own relationships so she can witness and model it.  It’s not easy when you have a habit of monitoring yourself to make sure nothing you say is hurtful, and negative feelings are so buried they don’t even seem to exist anymore.  But I’ve been working on becoming more and more authentic over the years – and it really does work better!

What about you?  Where have you lost your real self, for the sake of being an ideal version of what society says you should be?  What would you be willing to do to get your real self back?

For any of you who would like to read this book, it is called, “Meeting at the Crossroads – Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development” by Lyn Mikel Brown & Carol Gilligan, and the link is to the book on Amazon.  It is a bit of an academic read in the beginning, but gets better once you get into the actual conversations with the girls.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Do you Know what you Really Want?

In coaching, when we notice clients procrastinating on the actions required to achieve their goals, one of the most important questions we ask is this:  “Are you sure this is what you really want?”

Sometimes this question triggers a very cool breakthrough where the client realizes that what they thought they wanted wasn’t really what they wanted, and the procrastination was simply a reflection of this inner conflict.  Then they change their goal and find that they are very motivated now that the conflict is gone.

But sometimes it doesn’t work that way.  Some clients assert that they absolutely want “it” and continue to procrastinate. 

Which brings up an important follow up question.  Do you really want to do everything it will take to get “it”?

It’s not so much about whether or not someone wants the end result.  We all want to be rich, thin, beautiful, living in a gorgeous house, doing work we love or not having to work at all, enjoying a perfect relationship with someone who adores us and treats us right… and I could go on.

We all want that.  But we don’t all have that.   So wanting something bad enough can’t be the key ingredient to getting it.

I think the key ingredient is whether or not the effort is worth it to you.  The real question is, “Are you willing to do what it takes?”  “Do you want to do what it takes?” 

And be honest.  Because if you really don’t – it’s not worth all the pain of forcing yourself to do it, being conflicted, procrastinating, and never doing it well enough to get the results you want in the end anyway.

Some things to consider: 

1.  Whatever “it” is for you, do you want it bad enough to put a whole lot of personal focus and energy into it, AND let the other important things in your life take a back seat to it, perhaps for a year or more, in order to get the results you are looking for?
2. If your answer is yes, how much effort will it really take to get your results?  You may want to interview a few people who have gotten the results you are after to find out exactly how hard they worked, how much time it took, and what set-backs they faced.
3.  Would you be willing to test yourself for a month or two, to put the level of work required in, and see if you actually stick to it?  Usually, after six to eight weeks of dedicated work, you may or may not see some minor results; but you will definitely see how hard you ended up working. 

Procrastination is usually less about laziness and more about not wanting to do the task at hand.  You can often dredge up enough will power to force yourself to do the work you need to do, but that energy wears out eventually.  So it’s very helpful to get clear on what you really want:

1. If you think you want to run a marathon, get clear on whether or not you really want to devote several hours per week to running and training.
2. If you think you want to lose weight, get clear on whether you are really ready to change your eating habits long term.
3. If you think you want to make a lot of money, get clear on whether you are willing to go out there and sell yourself.

I would say that almost anything is possible for anyone, if we have the desire.  But the desire has to be for the work, not just the prize. No matter how much you desire the prize, if you can’t stand doing what it will take to move you towards that prize you wont get there.

So next time you get frustrated and feel like you are banging your head against a wall trying hard to get something that is not coming your way, take an honest look at what you want, and don’t let up on yourself until you get to your truth.

Daily Actions

Today I pulled out my list of daily actions. A daily actions check list is one of those super simple but very powerful tools – kind of like a to-do list. It’s not the tool itself that is so amazing – it’s how you use it. Some people are overwhelmed by their To Do lists, and those same people might get overwhelmed with a Daily Actions list, but here are some secrets to making the most of the tool:

1. Think of a set of small actions that, if done on a daily basis for a period of several months (or forever) will almost surely lead to success in achieving your goal. For example, you might have a set of 6 “rules” for eating, that if followed on a daily basis, will almost surely get you to your ideal weight.

2. The Daily Actions list builds on the power of habit building. Once a habit is established, it’s harder to NOT do it than do it. So if you build habits that naturally move you towards your BIG goals, you end up achieving more with less effort.

3. It will always take a lot of energy to do something before it becomes a habit, so while you are building a new habit, you will have a better chance of success with steps that drain your energy as little as possible. That means your daily actions should not take very long to do, and they should be pretty easy. Think in terms of “baby steps”.

4. Building on the baby steps concept, habits are built through frequency and consistency, so whenever you can break something down into smaller, more frequent steps, you will have better success. One example is with exercise. Instead of doing 1 hour three times per week, you may get farther doing (3) 10 minute routines each day.

5. It’s better to have fewer daily actions that too many. Keep in mind you can always add more later, once the habit is built. So if you pick 10 or fewer actions to do on a daily basis, and then you do them consistently for 1-2 months, pretty soon they will be so automatic that you will not have to think about them anymore. Then, if you like the daily actions tool, you can replace those actions with new actions and new habits.

My daily actions list has about 15 items on it. I have been using this list since November, and many of the actions are easy habits by now, but others I have struggled with. The ones I struggle with tend to take more time (like walking the dog for two miles – 40 minutes), or tend to occur in the afternoon or evening when I’ve crossed over into a reactive state, and am out of energy and not thinking as clearly.

But the daily actions list has become somewhat of a habit for me, and it has served me well. The good thing about good habits is that you tend to always “fall” back into them. And so, after a four day hiatus, I have pulled up my list of 15 items, and little by little am checking them off.

What daily habits could you create that would help you achieve your BIG goal?

Living Life on MY Terms

Testimonial from Kathy Shute:

Here’s the predicament I was in….

I’d been a loyal private coaching client of Nahid’s for several years, and felt I was on track with my life. Unfortunately, then crisis hit. Over the span of a year I underwent a major, emergency surgery that took me out of work. After my recovery, I obtained a new position but after working there for only six months I was laid off. To make matters worse, my husband was laid off a little before I was!

Nahid showed up in my life again with a powerful, new tool.

I was teetering on the brink of depression. These layoffs could have been a blessing with different timing.
But I didn’t have the resources or clarity to move toward any career dreams yet, nor the investment reserves to hire Nahid to help me navigate this crisis.

As fate would have it, Nahid called me to share news that she was starting The Aspyrre Community.
As I listened, I knew it was the perfect solution – exactly what I needed. Cost-effective, authentic group workshops that provided ongoing coaching while I looked for a job.

Here’s the powerful epiphany I had during one of The Aspyrre Community workshops…

During one of my first workshops, I gained clarity about my career and life goals.
What I truly wanted was to be an Artist, a Writer, and to travel the world!

Wow, what a scary thought….if only I had a million dollars or a benefactor.
Here’s where my second paradigm shift came about. Nahid informed me that all I needed was a way to create passive income, affording me more time to paint and travel.

Okay, but how…I wondered? She then told me about a book called, The 4 Hour Workweek, by best-selling author Tim Ferris. It provides a wealth of great ideas about designing your lifestyle and then living it by leveraging your time and creating passive income…just what Nahid was telling me to do!

The turning point….

Meanwhile, I had to be practical and find work. Yet, the industry I worked in was hard hit by the national recession, and offered little in the way of job prospects.  So I read The 4 Hour Workweek and then I became inspired. Partly as a result of these discussions, my husband decided to start an online business that made use of his corporate online marketing and web design skills.

After some time, with no job, but with ongoing support from the Community, I joined up with my husband, and can you believe it? I began using my writing skills in the new business! We also put my artwork online, too, and found an automated high-quality vendor to reproduce and ship it to customers around the world.

My life and career transformation:

Just a year after joining The Aspyrre Communty, I’m working full time writing, painting and traveling the world, while building equity toward my future. I can’t say enough good about Nahid and the direct, ongoing value she brings to members like me in The Aspyrre Community!

I can have Time AND Money

Testimonial from Kathy Shute

Here’s the predicament I was in….

I was working 60-70 hours per week in a management position, where I felt constantly drained. I knew I needed to change my priorities and my career, but didn’t know where to begin! I was too tired to try and figure it out myself, as I had no clarity around what I wanted to do next.

 The only thing I did know, was that I wanted to do something vaguely the opposite of what I was doing now!

Working with Nahid I had a “light bulb” moment…I was my own prisoner!

 I began working with Nahid as a way to help create this much-needed, major shift in my career and my life. One day, during a “Belief Session”, which is a powerful tool Nahid uses, I had an epiphany. I realized that I held a deep belief. It was this. That in order to have abundance, I needed to keep working tons of hours in a career that had outlived it’s purpose for me.

 I didn’t believe in my ability to have an abundance of time AND money. Much less, I also believed I couldn’t have both while doing something that would use my talents and passions!

I was a prisoner to a common, yet highly unempowering belief!

 The turning point….

 During this same session, Nahid helped me to see that I had simply adopted beliefs about time and money that I’d learned as a child. This understanding helped me to remain compassionate about myself while preparing to change my belief.

 Nahid then shared a simple tactic to help me immediately open my mind… that perhaps the opposite belief was true. I used this tactic to PROVE to myself that I could have abundance of time and money, all while doing what I love. (I wouldn’t have adopted the belief without proof.)

 I was still afraid, but thrilled to test out my new theory. What did I have to lose? Nahid’s simple tactic helped me to bravely take the next step.

My life and career transformation:

 Within six months of following Nahid’s guidance, I was able to truly adopt this new belief of time and abundance. This inner change gave me the courage I needed to leave my career and begin a new one. It hasn’t always been easy, but neither was living through the agony of being my own prisoner.

 Over the next few years I was able to identify and realize a hidden dream. Today I own a business with my husband, and I enjoy writing, painting and traveling the world, while building equity toward my future, too.

 I can’t say enough good about Nahid and the direct, ongoing value she brings to her coaching clients. I’m also a member and fan of her recently-founded Aspyrre Community. As I travel the world, I appreciate such a cost-effective community, access to its’ strong network, and the online tools that it provides for me.

Change that Lasts

Will you Really Change this Year?

If you could change anything, what would be different by the end of this year?  It’s a question I often ask clients, but in January, it crosses almost everyone’s mind.   The thing is, change doesn’t happen just by thinking about it, and that’s why most New Years Resolutions fail.  Our brains and bodies like habits because they make life more efficient, but if your current habits are keeping you stuck, it will take more than a burst of commitment to change them.   Here are five tips to help you make real and lasting change:

1. You need to know why it’s important to change, and your reason has to matter to YOU, at a deep emotional level. 

Too many people resolve to quit smoking or go on a diet because they know they should for their health.  The problem is they still feel ok, and the good feelings they get from smoking or eating are so much more positive, clear and strong than the concept in their mind of what it will feel like to be healthier.  Those who succeed are either scared by a close call (powerfully emotional), or they are able to attach themselves to a clear, emotional, and positive vision of themselves in a healthier body.  That clear vision and positive emotion is the thing that keeps them going as they develop new habits.

2. Get clear on what actions you are willing to take, for how long, and how you will decide whether it’s worth it to keep acting if you aren’t getting results.

The sad thing about most goals is that it takes longer to get results than what you would expect. When you don’t get results, it’s easy to get into a slump of not working as hard, which slows you down even more.    One thing that helps is rewarding  yourself for effort as opposed to results.  When you know you are putting in your best effort, it’s hard to get down on yourself, and easier to keep going until you’ve gathered enough momentum to start seeing results.

3. Detach yourself emotionally from failure, get used to it, and learn from it.

While it’s powerful to be emotionally attached to the vision that drives you forward, it’s painful to be emotionally attached to the little failures along the way.  You have to get over being embarrassed about looking like a dork, or comparing yourself to others who seem to be doing it better or faster.   The successful people in this world have failed many more times than the failures.  Who do you want to be?

4. Develop habits that support your success.

Habits and routines can form a strong foundation for success, helping you maintain consistent behaviors that build on themselves over time.  Your brain likes habits, and if you do the same thing enough times in a row it will become automatic.  Habits can work for you or against you, and the more habits you can develop to work for you, the easier it will be for you to create lasting and permanent change.   This works with meals, exercise routines, sales calls, building your network, managing people, running meetings, and just about anything else. 

5. Adopt a mindset that matches your change.

Your mind is powerful.  It dictates what you notice in the world, what you decide it means, how you respond, and ultimately what shows up for you.  It’s almost lucky that it takes awhile to make most changes on the outside, because if your mind doesn’t catch up, you can easily spiral right back to where you started.  The way to prevent this is NOTICE that running commentary in your head and THINK about how that running commentary might be different if you succeed.  Instead of “I need a smoke” every time things get stressful, it might be “I need a walk” or “a break” or “ten minutes to think with my door closed and a cup of tea”.   Start playing with new ways to think that match the way you want to be thinking about the world once you have succeeded.

6. BONUS – Get a support system!

Studies show that people are three times as likely to make a change when they have a support system in place – usually a group of people who are in it together.  You can put together a mastermind group, or join a support group, or even get a buddy to work with you, and the natural synergy and support will propel you forward.  I have to make a sales pitch here – JOIN the Aspyrre Community and as long as you show up on the phone calls it’s almost inevitable that you will change.  We are continuously learning and working with tools that help you move yourself to the next level, and hearing other people with similar challenges talk about their experiences is invaluable.

It all comes down to this.  Do you really want things to change this year?  If you do, you will need to do something different.  Something that moves you out of your current habitual way of living.  It can be as small as joining the community and showing up on calls or as big as moving to a brand new place physically and developing a whole new living routine.  But do SOMETHING different – and lay the foundation for real and lasting change.

Planning for 2011

Your Year in Review – Quick Version

The following questions will give you a chance to think introspectively about last year and get crystal clear on what’s most important for you this year.  It’s great to go through these questions as you begin to plan and set goals for the New Year. 

1. What were your proudest moments in 2010, both personally and professionally?

2. What were your happiest moments in 2010, both personally and professionally? 

3. What did you expect or plan to do this year that did not happen?   How much does it matter to you? 

4. If 2011 were to be your best year ever, what three things would be different by the end of the year? 

5. What is the ONE thing that would most likely stand in the way of those three things happening?

6. If you are able to overcome what you wrote in item # 5 above, and achieve all three of what you listed in item #4 above, how will your life be different?    List specifics if possible.

7. If you decided to take this on as your “quest” for the year, what will you need to give yourself the best chance of success? 

8. If you could not achieve all three of what you listed in item # 4, but you could definitely achieve one of the three, which one would you choose? 

Your answers to the questions above are a reflection of your greatest strengths, your most important values, your challenges, and your priorities.  They do not dictate what you should plan for next year, but are designed to help you get clarity on what you most want, before deciding how you will focus your time and energy.

Have a wonderful holiday season, and best wishes for the best 2011 ever!

My Favorite “Effectivity Tool”

I love “effectivity tools” – anything tangible that not only helps you work more effectively, but also helps you BE more effective. To me an “effectivity tool” is anything that can move you

From THIS:

• Boredom and frustration with some if not all of your work, procrastination, lack of concentration or motivation.
• Being pulled at from multiple directions to the point where you are juggling the best you can and still dropping balls all over the place.
• Getting frustrated with difficult people, reacting in conversations, judging others, or trying to get a point across without being heard, recognized, or respected.
• Spending most of your day doing what has to be done, with so little time left over you are too tired to engage with something you truly enjoy, and you end up zoning out in front of the television, computer, or food.

To THIS:

• You are focused and engaged with whatever is on your “to do” list today.
• When something “comes at you” you can calmly adapt and handle it without having it throw you off or ruin your day.
• In every interaction you have, from a difficult negotiation to a mentoring conversation to a big presentation to a chat with the cashier at the store, you are clear, confident, and have the impact you desire.
• Every day you make progress towards your goals, AND you enjoy spending free time doing what is most important to YOU.

There are all sorts of “tools” out there, from software applications that make life easier, to time management techniques, to models that make it easier to understand and label what is going on in a situation so you can handle it better.

My favorite tools give you three things:

1. A new way to look at a situation or event, so you have more and better information about it.
2. Tips for how to handle a situation or event, so you can get better results.
3. Insight about yourself, so that you change, and as a result, your situations change.

This November, in our “change your beliefs” workshop, I am going to talk about one of my favorite tools. This tool helps you:

1. Notice that you are looking at most situations through the filter of your assumptions, and helps you see the perspectives you hadn’t considered.
2. In situations that upset or anger you, this tool can help you change your emotions to neutral, so that your response is more effective and you get better results.
3. You can also use this tool to identify habitual patterns of seeing situations that no longer serve you, and can help you change entire patterns in your life.

It’s one of the most important tools I’ve used myself, and it has helped me become much more calm and confident in situations that used to worry and embarrass me.

I would love to share the tool with you in our upcoming November 10th workshop. For more information on it, click here.

Hope to see you there!

What makes life worthwhile?

What makes my life worthwhile?

Nahid,  I have been working, working, working, to achieve everything that is important to me, and now that I’m almost 50, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m missing the point of my life.   It seems like there’s always something more to achieve, but I can’t keep waiting until everything is done to start enjoying life.  If life isn’t about achievement, what is it about?   You talk about “accelerating your success” on your website; how do YOU define success?  – Lee

Lee, that is an excellent question.  Success is related to accomplishments, and that’s why people who want to be successful often find themselves in a frenzy trying to chalk up as many accomplishments as they can.  But, like you, most people reach a point when they realize that the accomplishments themselves don’t provide fulfillment.  And then they ask the critical question, “What makes my life worthwhile”?   The answer is different for everyone, but you can get to it by shifting your focus from WHAT you accomplish to WHO you are. 

Instead of seeing your accomplishments as your success, try seeing them as a reflection of your success.   In other words, success is based on WHO you are, and WHAT you do is simply one aspect of how you show up in the world.

WHO you are is more directly shown by HOW you approach everything you do in life.  For example, if you are a hard worker who consistently puts effort into everything you do, then you will likely see this reflected in your grades at school, in your performance at work, and in any activities or hobbies you pursue.  There may be times when someone who doesn’t work hard out-performs you, but that doesn’t take away from who you are and how you approach life. 

One powerful question you can ask yourself is “what kind of person do I want to be, no matter what situation I’m in?”   If you commit to being this kind of person, you may find that your attachment to your accomplishments goes away.  You’ve anchored yourself to something deeper and more meaningful.  Paradoxically, you will probably accomplish more, as a result of consistently behaving in a manner that is true to WHO you are.

Your question has inspired me to start working on a new exercise and workshop to guide people step by step through the process of defining personal success in this deeper, more meaningful way.  Keep your eyes open for events listed on the website, and make sure to get on the e-mail list if you haven’t already so I can send you a notification when it’s ready!

Thanks so much for taking the time to ask this important question, and inspiring me to address it! 

Sincerely,

Nahid

YOUR YEAR IN REVIEW – 2009 – 2010

YOUR YEAR IN REVIEW – 2009 / 2010

The following questions are different from your usual weekly report. They will give you a chance to really think about last year and get crystal clear on what’s most important for you this year. In your first coaching session of the year, we will review what came up for you, and create a structure to support you in building and living 2010 your way. (This is not an on-line form. Copy and paste the questions into a word document where you will have room to answer them, and you can send me your completed document via e-mail when you are through)

1. List 3 – 10 things you accomplished in 2009 that you are proud of:

2. What were the most important things that you learned in 2009, both in business, and personally?

3. What has changed, and as a result of these changes, how will your life be different this year?

4. How have you changed over the year, and as a result of those changes, what new possibilities exist for you?

5. What were your happiest moments in 2009, both personally and professionally? Is there anything you want to do to preserve and cherish these memories?

6. What are your regrets – is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance, and how?

7. If you have already thought about goals and resolutions for 2010, list them here. If you haven’t, leave it blank for now.

8. What if it all had to stop now? (take your time with this one) If you had 9 months to live and 9 million dollars, what would you do?

9. What do your answers to numbers 5, 6 and 8 tell you about the values you want to make sure to live in 2010? No matter what goals you set for next year, and what you achieve, how will you know you are living each day of your life with purpose?

10. If you had unlimited resources and support to make anything happen, both in your professional and personal life, what would things look like by October of 2010?

11. List two big initiatives worth shooting for professionally this year. They should feel challenging, yet possible and exciting.

12. How will you have to change the way you work to give yourself the best possible chance of success?

13. List one big personal change you want to make this year. It should feel challenging, yet possible and exciting.

14. How will you have to change in order to give yourself the best possible chance of success?

15. Assuming you will have the best support system available to you the entire year, that this support system is ready, willing, and able to provide you with anything you need to give you the best possible chance of success, list the five most important things that you need:

Congratulations! You have completed the questions. Now, if you have any energy left, this is the place to brain-dump any additional thoughts, feelings, or open questions about last year, this year, or what came up for you when you answered the questions. You may e-mail this to me or keep it to yourself, but make sure to have it with you when we meet next, so that we can discuss.