Do you Know what you Really Want?

In coaching, when we notice clients procrastinating on the actions required to achieve their goals, one of the most important questions we ask is this:  “Are you sure this is what you really want?”

Sometimes this question triggers a very cool breakthrough where the client realizes that what they thought they wanted wasn’t really what they wanted, and the procrastination was simply a reflection of this inner conflict.  Then they change their goal and find that they are very motivated now that the conflict is gone.

But sometimes it doesn’t work that way.  Some clients assert that they absolutely want “it” and continue to procrastinate. 

Which brings up an important follow up question.  Do you really want to do everything it will take to get “it”?

It’s not so much about whether or not someone wants the end result.  We all want to be rich, thin, beautiful, living in a gorgeous house, doing work we love or not having to work at all, enjoying a perfect relationship with someone who adores us and treats us right… and I could go on.

We all want that.  But we don’t all have that.   So wanting something bad enough can’t be the key ingredient to getting it.

I think the key ingredient is whether or not the effort is worth it to you.  The real question is, “Are you willing to do what it takes?”  “Do you want to do what it takes?” 

And be honest.  Because if you really don’t – it’s not worth all the pain of forcing yourself to do it, being conflicted, procrastinating, and never doing it well enough to get the results you want in the end anyway.

Some things to consider: 

1.  Whatever “it” is for you, do you want it bad enough to put a whole lot of personal focus and energy into it, AND let the other important things in your life take a back seat to it, perhaps for a year or more, in order to get the results you are looking for?
2. If your answer is yes, how much effort will it really take to get your results?  You may want to interview a few people who have gotten the results you are after to find out exactly how hard they worked, how much time it took, and what set-backs they faced.
3.  Would you be willing to test yourself for a month or two, to put the level of work required in, and see if you actually stick to it?  Usually, after six to eight weeks of dedicated work, you may or may not see some minor results; but you will definitely see how hard you ended up working. 

Procrastination is usually less about laziness and more about not wanting to do the task at hand.  You can often dredge up enough will power to force yourself to do the work you need to do, but that energy wears out eventually.  So it’s very helpful to get clear on what you really want:

1. If you think you want to run a marathon, get clear on whether or not you really want to devote several hours per week to running and training.
2. If you think you want to lose weight, get clear on whether you are really ready to change your eating habits long term.
3. If you think you want to make a lot of money, get clear on whether you are willing to go out there and sell yourself.

I would say that almost anything is possible for anyone, if we have the desire.  But the desire has to be for the work, not just the prize. No matter how much you desire the prize, if you can’t stand doing what it will take to move you towards that prize you wont get there.

So next time you get frustrated and feel like you are banging your head against a wall trying hard to get something that is not coming your way, take an honest look at what you want, and don’t let up on yourself until you get to your truth.

When you want something TOO much

A few years ago, I was talking to a prospective new client, let’s call her Janelle. We were talking about discovering work she loved, and going through the steps of career transition. During our conversation, I heard her say, “Oh…if this doesn’t work, if I can’t find that one thing I’m passionate about – I think I’ll just die!”

That was my red flag. It told me, unfortunately, that she was TOO attached to finding her passion. SO attached that she was almost guaranteeing that it would never happen. She was sad and lost, and miserable in her work. Somehow she had decided that if she could find “her passion” then that would solve all her problems. She had decided that “finding her passion” was the magic cure, the only cure, and the only path to feeling good again. I knew right then that there was almost nothing I could do with her as a coach unless I could help her detach from “needing” this outcome so desperately – and an emotion that powerful isn’t something that detaches easily.

It’s the desperation that does it. Remember the last time you were desperate in a relationship? The other person was probably running the other way, right? The same thing happens when we are desperate for a job, desperate to lose weight, desperate to make millions, desperate for our kids to get straight A’s, desperate for anything to happen a certain way. Usually it doesn’t happen the way we hoped and dreamed it would – ever. In fact, the few times we are able, against all odds, to obtain what we so desperately want, we are in for a rude shock- the thrill lasts only a few minutes and then we are back in our slump again. We find out sadly that it didn’t change anything.

The only solution is to stop being desperate. But if you’ve ever been in this situation, you probably know, that you can tell yourself to stop being so desperate – and it doesn’t do a darn thing.

This month in the Aspyrre Community, we will be addressing this issue of getting overly attached to an outcome, and provide a step by step process you can use to help detach so you can more effectively achieve your goal. I will be running both an in person workshop and a telephone class with a workbook for those who are not in the immediate area. For more information on these classes, you can go to the events page or the home page and look at our “Upcoming Events” in the center.

This over attachment cycle is something that can truly drive one mad, and if you can relate, please join us in these enlightening and productive events that give you tangible tools – and some control back.

Daily Actions

Today I pulled out my list of daily actions. A daily actions check list is one of those super simple but very powerful tools – kind of like a to-do list. It’s not the tool itself that is so amazing – it’s how you use it. Some people are overwhelmed by their To Do lists, and those same people might get overwhelmed with a Daily Actions list, but here are some secrets to making the most of the tool:

1. Think of a set of small actions that, if done on a daily basis for a period of several months (or forever) will almost surely lead to success in achieving your goal. For example, you might have a set of 6 “rules” for eating, that if followed on a daily basis, will almost surely get you to your ideal weight.

2. The Daily Actions list builds on the power of habit building. Once a habit is established, it’s harder to NOT do it than do it. So if you build habits that naturally move you towards your BIG goals, you end up achieving more with less effort.

3. It will always take a lot of energy to do something before it becomes a habit, so while you are building a new habit, you will have a better chance of success with steps that drain your energy as little as possible. That means your daily actions should not take very long to do, and they should be pretty easy. Think in terms of “baby steps”.

4. Building on the baby steps concept, habits are built through frequency and consistency, so whenever you can break something down into smaller, more frequent steps, you will have better success. One example is with exercise. Instead of doing 1 hour three times per week, you may get farther doing (3) 10 minute routines each day.

5. It’s better to have fewer daily actions that too many. Keep in mind you can always add more later, once the habit is built. So if you pick 10 or fewer actions to do on a daily basis, and then you do them consistently for 1-2 months, pretty soon they will be so automatic that you will not have to think about them anymore. Then, if you like the daily actions tool, you can replace those actions with new actions and new habits.

My daily actions list has about 15 items on it. I have been using this list since November, and many of the actions are easy habits by now, but others I have struggled with. The ones I struggle with tend to take more time (like walking the dog for two miles – 40 minutes), or tend to occur in the afternoon or evening when I’ve crossed over into a reactive state, and am out of energy and not thinking as clearly.

But the daily actions list has become somewhat of a habit for me, and it has served me well. The good thing about good habits is that you tend to always “fall” back into them. And so, after a four day hiatus, I have pulled up my list of 15 items, and little by little am checking them off.

What daily habits could you create that would help you achieve your BIG goal?

Change that Lasts

Will you Really Change this Year?

If you could change anything, what would be different by the end of this year?  It’s a question I often ask clients, but in January, it crosses almost everyone’s mind.   The thing is, change doesn’t happen just by thinking about it, and that’s why most New Years Resolutions fail.  Our brains and bodies like habits because they make life more efficient, but if your current habits are keeping you stuck, it will take more than a burst of commitment to change them.   Here are five tips to help you make real and lasting change:

1. You need to know why it’s important to change, and your reason has to matter to YOU, at a deep emotional level. 

Too many people resolve to quit smoking or go on a diet because they know they should for their health.  The problem is they still feel ok, and the good feelings they get from smoking or eating are so much more positive, clear and strong than the concept in their mind of what it will feel like to be healthier.  Those who succeed are either scared by a close call (powerfully emotional), or they are able to attach themselves to a clear, emotional, and positive vision of themselves in a healthier body.  That clear vision and positive emotion is the thing that keeps them going as they develop new habits.

2. Get clear on what actions you are willing to take, for how long, and how you will decide whether it’s worth it to keep acting if you aren’t getting results.

The sad thing about most goals is that it takes longer to get results than what you would expect. When you don’t get results, it’s easy to get into a slump of not working as hard, which slows you down even more.    One thing that helps is rewarding  yourself for effort as opposed to results.  When you know you are putting in your best effort, it’s hard to get down on yourself, and easier to keep going until you’ve gathered enough momentum to start seeing results.

3. Detach yourself emotionally from failure, get used to it, and learn from it.

While it’s powerful to be emotionally attached to the vision that drives you forward, it’s painful to be emotionally attached to the little failures along the way.  You have to get over being embarrassed about looking like a dork, or comparing yourself to others who seem to be doing it better or faster.   The successful people in this world have failed many more times than the failures.  Who do you want to be?

4. Develop habits that support your success.

Habits and routines can form a strong foundation for success, helping you maintain consistent behaviors that build on themselves over time.  Your brain likes habits, and if you do the same thing enough times in a row it will become automatic.  Habits can work for you or against you, and the more habits you can develop to work for you, the easier it will be for you to create lasting and permanent change.   This works with meals, exercise routines, sales calls, building your network, managing people, running meetings, and just about anything else. 

5. Adopt a mindset that matches your change.

Your mind is powerful.  It dictates what you notice in the world, what you decide it means, how you respond, and ultimately what shows up for you.  It’s almost lucky that it takes awhile to make most changes on the outside, because if your mind doesn’t catch up, you can easily spiral right back to where you started.  The way to prevent this is NOTICE that running commentary in your head and THINK about how that running commentary might be different if you succeed.  Instead of “I need a smoke” every time things get stressful, it might be “I need a walk” or “a break” or “ten minutes to think with my door closed and a cup of tea”.   Start playing with new ways to think that match the way you want to be thinking about the world once you have succeeded.

6. BONUS – Get a support system!

Studies show that people are three times as likely to make a change when they have a support system in place – usually a group of people who are in it together.  You can put together a mastermind group, or join a support group, or even get a buddy to work with you, and the natural synergy and support will propel you forward.  I have to make a sales pitch here – JOIN the Aspyrre Community and as long as you show up on the phone calls it’s almost inevitable that you will change.  We are continuously learning and working with tools that help you move yourself to the next level, and hearing other people with similar challenges talk about their experiences is invaluable.

It all comes down to this.  Do you really want things to change this year?  If you do, you will need to do something different.  Something that moves you out of your current habitual way of living.  It can be as small as joining the community and showing up on calls or as big as moving to a brand new place physically and developing a whole new living routine.  But do SOMETHING different – and lay the foundation for real and lasting change.

Getting Into Action

Have you ever known exactly what you needed to do in order to get what you want, but couldn’t, for the LIFE of you, manage to accomplish it?

The maddening thing about this, is that most of the time the actions themselves aren’t that difficult. For example, let’s say you want get into a regular exercise routine: You pick your favorite form of exercise, find four times each week to do it, and then stick to the plan long enough to ingrain it as a habit. Let’s say you want to start a pet sitting business to supplement your income: You gather information on how it’s done by interviewing other pet sitters, create a process based on what you’ve learned, get the necessary materials, and walk around your local neighborhoods introducing yourself or leaving a flyer on doorsteps to drum up some business.

It seems that getting what we want in life should be simple. You decide what you want, you learn enough about it to figure out what you need to do, and then you start doing it, continuing to learn and improve as you go, until you’ve reached your goal.

None of the actions required IN THEMSELVES are difficult to do. So why don’t we?

Well, FEAR for one. Although it may not be difficult to walk around putting flyers on doorsteps and talking about what you do to your neighbors, it might be embarrassing and uncomfortable. And although dialing the phone might be simple, the thought that the person on the other end could get annoyed by your questions can be mortifying enough to have you burying yourself deep in the pit of avoidance.

But what about exercising? Are you really afraid or embarrassed to walk into a health club or take a walk? Here is where it gets tricky, because if you ask the question, you’ll get all sorts of convoluted answers back from yourself, including: “I was planning to do it but I forgot to bring my walkman, and I CAN’T exercise without it”, or “I had company and it would have been rude to leave them”, or “I just didn’t have the time”.

All reasonable excuses, right? But if they keep coming up, over and over again, delaying your efforts to do something you really want to do, then there’s probably something behind it. Here are some things to consider:

1. Fear (again). Maybe the task itself isn’t scary for you, but you are too emotionally tied to the result.

2. It’s a “should”, not a “want”. Maybe you keep planning to get into an exercise routine because you think you should, but you really don’t want to exercise. In fact you HATE doing it.

3. Time Management. You want it all. Now. And you haven’t considered the time it takes to get what you want – or arranged your schedule accordingly.

Fortunately there are ways to handle these paralyzers and get moving again:

1. Fear: If you know what you are afraid of, then picture it happening. Visualize the worst thing that could happen and sit with all of those horrible, uncomfortable, emotions. Then figure out what you would do. Knowing that you can handle a difficult or embarrassing situation does wonders for reducing the fear around it.

2. Shoulds vs Wants: If you don’t want to do something, chances are you’ll find every way you can to get out of it. So test yourself. If you have a goal, find the want that drives it and fuels your passion. If you can’t find that, then cross it off your list. If you focus on the want, then the actions required to get it aren’t so hard to accomplish. Back to our exercising example — you may hate to exercise, but if you REALLY WANT something like looking great in your bathing suit by summer, or reducing your cholesterol to a healthy level, the vision of your end result can propel you to the health club every day.

3. Time Management: Make a list of everything on your plate and how much time you need to accomplish it. Compare this with how many hours you have in a day, and be sure to give yourself time for sleep, your daily routine, and relaxing each day. Then eliminate as much as you can. Create enough time in your schedule to devote to accomplishing your goals.

Of course the best way to get moving is to get moving – one step at a time. Each action you take, no matter how small, will make the next action easier. When all else fails, break your actions into small pieces – small enough to handle, no matter what your constraints. If you are too afraid to make phone calls, then your action item becomes a role play or practice session with a friend or coach. If the thought of exercise makes you want to sleep, then pick a 15 minute walk, or 20 sit-ups as an action item. If you can’t find time, then find an activities that take 5 – 10 minutes. And commit to doing one each day. Chances are, once you get started, you’ll build momentum, and find yourself wanting to move to the next step.

Enlist a buddy, and Accelerate your Success!

How are you doing on your New Year’s Resolutions? If staying focused and gaining momentum are important to you right now, it might be the perfect time to enlist a friend to support you in achieving your goals.

Using a “buddy system” can be one of the most powerful ways to keep you on track and accelerate your success when you are trying to make a change in your life.

Consider this:

1. Of the top ten ways to quit smoking, doing it alone has about a 25% success rate, while getting involved with a program that utilizes the buddy system has a 50% success rate.
2. Universities have discovered that expanding the buddy idea into learning communities for freshman raises their grades.
3. Manufacturing plants use buddy systems to effectively manage quality control.
4. Health Care initiatives encourage the use of buddies because the act of helping someone else make a change motivates people to keep going on their own plans.

I used to think it was somehow “cheating” to ask for help in achieving my goals. But if I look back on the greatest successes in my life, they all happened with the support of a mentor, friend, or team. Working with a buddy created an energy that propelled me towards my goals more powerfully than all the individual passion and motivation I could muster. Interestingly, the goals I continue to fall short on are the ones I stubbornly pursue on my own.

How can you use the power of a buddy to double your chance of success?

1. Find one or more people with a similar goal and agree to meet regularly to share your progress, solve problems together, and commit to action items.
2. Choose someone who will support your success, but has nothing to gain or lose by your success. Someone who “needs” you to succeed will not always be open to your choices. By the same token, even your best friend will have a hard time supporting you if you are competing for the same job.
3. Choose someone who is confident enough to be direct. If they always agree with you so they won’t hurt your feelings, you are missing the chance to be challenged.
4. Make a commitment with your buddy to support each other fully until you each reach your vision of success.

Four Stages of Decisive Change

The Stages

* Pre-Stage One – Testing the Waters
* Stage One – The Tornado
* Stage Two – The Marathon
* Stage Three – The Rainbow
* Stage Four – The Transformation

Pre-Stage One — Testing the Waters

You have a dream or a fantasy that you flirt with from time to time in your head. You wonder whether you should try to make it happen. You wonder if you have what it takes. Then you forget about it. For a long period of time – could be months or years, ideas pop in and out of your head. You may even have spurts of energy where you gather information or start moving forward, but they are very short lived. Throughout all of this you feel uncertain. The stage ends when you decide for certain that you will at least give it a shot.

Stage One – The Tornado

Key Entry Point:

Mentally, you decide that for whatever it’s worth, you are going to go for it. This mental decision point may precede action for several months, but the questions you mull over in your head have changed from “Should I do this?” to “How will I do this”?

What it Feels Like:

Exciting, Scary, and Exhausting

What You Can Expect:

1. Every action takes much more energy than you think it should

§ You get extremely anxious as you plan to act

§ What seem to be relatively simple tasks completely drain you – both before and after you do them

2. An emotional roller-coaster

§ Sometimes you are so excited you can hardly breathe as you imagine how you are finally making this happen!

§ Other times you feel discouraged, wrought with self-doubt, wondering if you are taking the right steps, and what compelled you to think you could do this in the first place.

§ Sometimes you are afraid to do something that seems simple and will avoid it at all costs

§ Sometimes you want to hide under the covers and escape from all of it

3. Over-reaction and emotional attachment to results.

§ Discouragement is especially prevalent after getting a result that wasn’t what you hoped for

§ Really needing for something to work out – knocking on wood a lot

§ Complete elation when you get the results you had hoped for

§ Sentimental attachment to first signs of success

4. Sabotage seems to run rampant – both from within and without!

§ Life events, your family, career, obligations pulling you away from your endeavor. Just when you think you are moving forward, something earth-shatteringly important gets in the way.

§ Lots of procrastination, lots of distractions, lots of needing to take a break and relax

5. The people you thought you could count on most for support surprise you.

§ They may offer support but don’t follow through

§ They express anxiety over what could go wrong

§ They know people who could help you but don’t introduce you

§ They keep treating you as if you aren’t going to change

§ You get the feeling they don’t believe you can pull it off

§ You get the feeling they are threatened by your action/success

How to Get Through It:

1. What you most need:

a. A reason stronger than short term results to maintain energy and keep going.

b. Faith, because you have no guarantee of success.

c. Lots of support and encouragement from good friends who believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

2. Realize that everything will take more time and energy than you expect because it’s new – take baby steps, and rest a lot between them.

3. Accept that this will be like swimming upstream, and the current will keep pulling you backwards – persist, persist, persist. When something prevents you from getting something done, reschedule it, or try to do part of it. Chip away and take your time.

4. Gather information, mentors, guides, books, buddies, support like it’s going out of style. You’ll need all of it to help you stay focused in periods of discouragement and self-doubt.

5. Stay Away from naysayers: people who are used to you being the way you are now, people who tell you about all the obstacles.

6. Find new people who haven’t seen you in your last role, who will believe in you in the role you aspire to.

Moving out of Stage One:

You get to a point where you realize that this is going to be a lot harder than you think. You may decide that this is not what you want after all. Or, you may begin to feel a strong sense of determination. The determination moves you into stage two.

Stage Two — The Marathon

Key Entry Point:

You realize that this is going to be a lot harder than you ever imagined, but you are willing to put in the work.

What it Feels Like:

Hopeful, Frustrating, Like Real Hard Work

What You Can Expect:

1.  You have more clarity about what you want – you can visualize your goal.

2.  Most of the time you have confidence that you are doing the right thing.

3. You begin to let go of all expectations, because you seem to continuously break records for all time horrible results.

4. You know the positive results are a long way off, but you see evidence of change, and are optimistic.

5.  You have times where you are achieving really great results and you feel really good about yourself and your endeavor.

6. You have times where you feel like for every step forward you take, you are taking five steps backward.

How to Get Through It:

What you most need:
1. Resources: energy, motivation, money, time, health, friends, creativity, optimism, survival skills, something to fuel you for a long haul.
2. Balance: the ability to step away from it and enjoy other parts of your life.
3.Perspective: a humble detachment from your failures and successes, the ability to see what you will have gained from your work/investment regardless of the outcome.

4.  Develop a sense of humor, learn to laugh at yourself

5.  Be willing to try new things. Learn from everything you do – what went right, what went wrong, what can I do better?

6. Creative Problem Solving: You will run out of money, you will run out of time, you will run out of energy, you will be on your last leg over and over and over again. Learn how to survive and stick it out one more month.

PreMature Stage Two exit:

You run out of resources and can’t figure a way out of it. You must decide to drastically change your plan, either by taking a detour or a break. In most cases you can maintain your direction at a lower level or you will revisit it later. In some cases, the new direction presents a new opportunity, and the experiences you’ve had so far integrate into your new direction.

Moving on from Stage Two:

You start getting more comfortable with both positive and negative results, because you’ve seen positives turn to negatives and negatives turn to positives before. You are more focused on the process than the results. You begin to work more effectively and efficiently. It doesn’t take as much energy to do what needs to be done.

Stage Three — The Rainbow

Key Entry Point:

You are focusing on the process more than the outcome, you are working more efficiently and effectively, and your confidence is increasing – regardless of the results.

What it Feels Like:

Confident, Exciting, Relieved, Energizing

What You Can Expect:

1. You aren’t there yet, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you know now that you can make it.

2. You are starting to get more positive results.

3. You still make mistakes, and have disappointments, but you react to them differently – you view them as part of the process: you learn from them and move on.

4. You feel more confident.

5. Other people are starting to see you as an expert. People who didn’t seem to believe in you before are coming around.

6. Sometimes you feel that you can’t meet the expectations of others – that you are a farce – that they are seeing you as an expert when you really aren’t.

7. Now that you have mastered the basics, you begin to see new things that you need to learn and do better.

How to Get Through It:

1.  Take advantage of your ability to be more efficient and effective to get more done and accelerate your success.

2.  Think Excellence – raise your standards; use your new skills to produce the best results you are capable of.

3.  Focus on refining everything you do so that it fits in well with your life and you really enjoy doing what it takes to be successful.

4.  Make sure to enjoy the process – this is actually the most enjoyable stage of the entire change cycle.

Premature Exit:

Much less likely in this stage but may occur because life happens. Usually in this stage you can handle problems or detours and get back on track fairly quickly.

Moving on from Stage Three:

You’ve gotten so close to your initial goal that you no longer doubt that you will meet it, and maybe you increase it. You feel confident and natural in your new role. You begin to spend less time thinking about your actions, and begin to do them automatically.

Stage Four — The Transformation

Key Entry Point:

You’ve completely integrated the change into your life. You know longer think about it because it’s “you”.

What it Feels Like:

Natural, comfortable, routine, sometimes boring or disappointing, the thrill is gone

What You Can Expect:

1.  There is no turning back because your change is part of you – it’s who you are, what you do. You would have to go through an equally dramatic change process now to change BACK to what you did/who you were before.

2.  You are beginning to focus on other areas of your life.

How to Get Through It:

Typically in this stage you are done, and you are thinking about the next thing in your life that you would like to change.

Values-Based Goals

This is the time people like to re-assess their lives, but most New Year’s resolutions don’t survive through February. If you follow good goal-setting practices by writing specific, tangible, and trackable action plans, you have a better chance of success. But the most important reason resolutions, goals, and ideas don’t survive is this: they weren’t real goals in the first place.

Here are five quick ways to check to see if your goals are real:

1. The clarity check: Can you see it, taste it, feel it, smell it? Can you envision your life once you have achieved this goal? Do you know exactly what steps you will take to achieve it? Vague but emotional thoughts like “I’ll know it when it happens”, or “I’ll finally be happy when..” tend to be red flags. In this case pick one step that is clear to you, and focus on that.

2. The purpose check: Is it worth it to you to go after the goal, even if you don’t achieve it? If not, you will find it hard to stay motivated.

3. The gut check: Do you dread the thought of “going without” whatever you are planning to give up? Will it take lots of will power to achieve your goal? Then ask yourself what you get from your habit – and find a new way to get that need met so it will be easier to let go of.

4. The duplication check: If you’ve had this goal several times before and haven’t succeeded, make sure you are doing something different this time. You need to be able to answer the question, “What’s new this time that will give me a much better chance of success?” Get a support system – it’s the most significant difference you can make.

5. The commitment check: If it’s someone else’s goal, how excited are you about achieving it? What will you get out of it? Do you understand the rationale behind the goal? If that person were not invested in the goal, and told you to set your own goal, what would it be?

Confusions Kills

Life is a journey, and it often doesn’t matter which road you take. But if you aren’t clear about what you want, you might not take any road, and that’s the most debilitating type of time-wasting; it’s the kind that takes your life.

As a coach, the first question I ask at the beginning of an engagement, and again at the beginning of every coaching session, is, “What do you most want out of our time together”? What most clients want most of the time is clarity. Here are a few of the most common examples:

1. I want to figure out what to do next in my life
2. I want to figure out how to handle this business situation
3. I want more clarity about why I’m reacting to this person
4. I need help making a decision I’m conflicted about

When you are clear, it’s easier to act decisively and move on. When you are confused, it can feel like an endless holding pattern, and it impacts everything you do. Overwhelm at work stems from not being crystal clear on the one priority you can focus on now to get the most impact. Weak negotiating comes from not knowing what you want and when you are willing to walk away. Ineffective networking, sales and job-hunting all stem from not being able to clearly articulate what you have to offer and how that maps to someone else’s need. And one of the most painful results of confusion is a pattern of consistent direction changes, as you force yourself to make decisions in the name of moving forward, and your lack of clarity plagues you with ongoing doubt.

If you feel confused about your direction, a situation, a relationship, or an upcoming decision, here are a few ways to move to a place of more clarity and better decision-making:

1. Know your values

Your values are not automatically the same as the values of your parents, church, community, or social group. You can often pick up on a values conflict when you know the right thing to do, but you don’t feel motivated to do it. An example is going after a prestigious job or high-income business opportunity. In the United States, we place a lot of importance on how much money someone makes, but people need to feel personally fulfilled. It can be confusing when you have an opportunity to make more money, but you aren’t personally excited about the work involved. This dilemma can go both ways. What if, as a mom, you believe you should stay home with your children, but it drains you, and you miss the intellectual stimulation and camaraderie you got from being at work? Most people have five to eight very clear and strong values. Know yours, and be willing to stand for them.

2. Know how much control you have

One of the exercises I do frequently with clients shows how much control you have in any given situation. Confusion often stems from trying to control something that you can’t control. Maybe you have a certain degree of influence over the situation. Maybe all you can really control is your response. Once you acknowledge how much control you really have, it’s easier to decide what actions you are willing to take, and when to stop spinning your wheels and let go.

3. Acknowledge your dreams and test them

A common fear from the “choosing a life direction” category goes something like this: “What if I tell everyone what I really want, and then I fail?” We all have “pie in the sky” dreams that aren’t completely realistic. The problem isn’t having those dreams; it’s clinging to them in secret. If you keep the dream a secret and fantasize that you’ll make it happen one day, that dream prevents you from considering any other opportunities or truly experiencing the life you are in right now. The best thing to do with a pie in the sky dream is: bring it to the surface and commit to doing something about it. If you do this, one of two things will happen: (1) you’ll realize how hard it’s going to be, and you’ll decide you want to go for it anyway, because it will be worth the experience even if you fail, or (2) you’ll realize how hard it’s going to be, and you’ll decide you don’t have the energy, but maybe you’ll discover another way to enjoy what you love about it within the parameters of your real life.

4. Resolve internal conflicts

Internal conflicts come up when you get caught between two things that are important to you, and it seems that they are mutually exclusive. For example, “I want to succeed in business, but I also want to spend quality time with my family”. If one side keeps winning out over the other, you might want to go back to item one and take an honest look at it. Perhaps you feel that family “should” be a value but it really isn’t? It might be hard to admit, but this awareness provides you with a powerful level of freedom and clarity. Let’s say you realize that you love working, and that you don’t really enjoy spending time with family. This doesn’t take away from your commitment to your family, but it empowers you to think about it differently. You can ask yourself, “What is the minimum time I could spend with my family so that I am living up to my commitment?” You may find that it takes less time than you thought. Perhaps you choose to reserve one hour, three nights per week to eating dinner with the family, and you make sacred a weekly 24 hour period from Saturday at 2pm to Sunday at 2pm. Turns out you could work after dinner every weeknight, put in a few hours Saturday morning and a few hours Sunday evening, and still provide your family with the consistent quality time they need.

5. Make all decisions right

The truth is, every road will take you somewhere, and provide you with great opportunities, as long as you are paying attention. Most successful people don’t make the right decisions all the time or even most of the time. What distinguishes successful people from those who flounder, is that successful people trust themselves, and make the most of their decisions. They choose to learn something from every experience, and they know that new opportunities can always be created, simply by taking action. If you are struggling with a difficult decision, the best question to ask yourself is: “what’s the worst that can happen as a result of each choice, and if it does, how will I still benefit”? Once the pressure is off, and you realize that no decision is going to ruin your life, you are in a much better position to make the best decision, because you are no longer afraid of the results.

When you think about it, confusion is probably one of the top two or three killers of personal effectiveness. One of the best ways to stay clear is to get a coach, and get into a consistent pattern of talking every week or two. While hiring a coach can’t guarantee that you will double your income or land your dream job, it’s almost certain that you will get more clarity as a result of your coaching conversations. Sometimes people hesitate to invest in a coach because it’s hard to measure the return on your investment. One way to measure this for yourself is to look at how often you struggle with confusion, not just in business decisions, but in handling both personal and professional relationships, and managing your career and your life. Then ask yourself, if you were consistently clear, what would you be doing differently, and how would your life be different as a result?