Confusions Kills

Life is a journey, and it often doesn’t matter which road you take. But if you aren’t clear about what you want, you might not take any road, and that’s the most debilitating type of time-wasting; it’s the kind that takes your life.

As a coach, the first question I ask at the beginning of an engagement, and again at the beginning of every coaching session, is, “What do you most want out of our time together”? What most clients want most of the time is clarity. Here are a few of the most common examples:

1. I want to figure out what to do next in my life
2. I want to figure out how to handle this business situation
3. I want more clarity about why I’m reacting to this person
4. I need help making a decision I’m conflicted about

When you are clear, it’s easier to act decisively and move on. When you are confused, it can feel like an endless holding pattern, and it impacts everything you do. Overwhelm at work stems from not being crystal clear on the one priority you can focus on now to get the most impact. Weak negotiating comes from not knowing what you want and when you are willing to walk away. Ineffective networking, sales and job-hunting all stem from not being able to clearly articulate what you have to offer and how that maps to someone else’s need. And one of the most painful results of confusion is a pattern of consistent direction changes, as you force yourself to make decisions in the name of moving forward, and your lack of clarity plagues you with ongoing doubt.

If you feel confused about your direction, a situation, a relationship, or an upcoming decision, here are a few ways to move to a place of more clarity and better decision-making:

1. Know your values

Your values are not automatically the same as the values of your parents, church, community, or social group. You can often pick up on a values conflict when you know the right thing to do, but you don’t feel motivated to do it. An example is going after a prestigious job or high-income business opportunity. In the United States, we place a lot of importance on how much money someone makes, but people need to feel personally fulfilled. It can be confusing when you have an opportunity to make more money, but you aren’t personally excited about the work involved. This dilemma can go both ways. What if, as a mom, you believe you should stay home with your children, but it drains you, and you miss the intellectual stimulation and camaraderie you got from being at work? Most people have five to eight very clear and strong values. Know yours, and be willing to stand for them.

2. Know how much control you have

One of the exercises I do frequently with clients shows how much control you have in any given situation. Confusion often stems from trying to control something that you can’t control. Maybe you have a certain degree of influence over the situation. Maybe all you can really control is your response. Once you acknowledge how much control you really have, it’s easier to decide what actions you are willing to take, and when to stop spinning your wheels and let go.

3. Acknowledge your dreams and test them

A common fear from the “choosing a life direction” category goes something like this: “What if I tell everyone what I really want, and then I fail?” We all have “pie in the sky” dreams that aren’t completely realistic. The problem isn’t having those dreams; it’s clinging to them in secret. If you keep the dream a secret and fantasize that you’ll make it happen one day, that dream prevents you from considering any other opportunities or truly experiencing the life you are in right now. The best thing to do with a pie in the sky dream is: bring it to the surface and commit to doing something about it. If you do this, one of two things will happen: (1) you’ll realize how hard it’s going to be, and you’ll decide you want to go for it anyway, because it will be worth the experience even if you fail, or (2) you’ll realize how hard it’s going to be, and you’ll decide you don’t have the energy, but maybe you’ll discover another way to enjoy what you love about it within the parameters of your real life.

4. Resolve internal conflicts

Internal conflicts come up when you get caught between two things that are important to you, and it seems that they are mutually exclusive. For example, “I want to succeed in business, but I also want to spend quality time with my family”. If one side keeps winning out over the other, you might want to go back to item one and take an honest look at it. Perhaps you feel that family “should” be a value but it really isn’t? It might be hard to admit, but this awareness provides you with a powerful level of freedom and clarity. Let’s say you realize that you love working, and that you don’t really enjoy spending time with family. This doesn’t take away from your commitment to your family, but it empowers you to think about it differently. You can ask yourself, “What is the minimum time I could spend with my family so that I am living up to my commitment?” You may find that it takes less time than you thought. Perhaps you choose to reserve one hour, three nights per week to eating dinner with the family, and you make sacred a weekly 24 hour period from Saturday at 2pm to Sunday at 2pm. Turns out you could work after dinner every weeknight, put in a few hours Saturday morning and a few hours Sunday evening, and still provide your family with the consistent quality time they need.

5. Make all decisions right

The truth is, every road will take you somewhere, and provide you with great opportunities, as long as you are paying attention. Most successful people don’t make the right decisions all the time or even most of the time. What distinguishes successful people from those who flounder, is that successful people trust themselves, and make the most of their decisions. They choose to learn something from every experience, and they know that new opportunities can always be created, simply by taking action. If you are struggling with a difficult decision, the best question to ask yourself is: “what’s the worst that can happen as a result of each choice, and if it does, how will I still benefit”? Once the pressure is off, and you realize that no decision is going to ruin your life, you are in a much better position to make the best decision, because you are no longer afraid of the results.

When you think about it, confusion is probably one of the top two or three killers of personal effectiveness. One of the best ways to stay clear is to get a coach, and get into a consistent pattern of talking every week or two. While hiring a coach can’t guarantee that you will double your income or land your dream job, it’s almost certain that you will get more clarity as a result of your coaching conversations. Sometimes people hesitate to invest in a coach because it’s hard to measure the return on your investment. One way to measure this for yourself is to look at how often you struggle with confusion, not just in business decisions, but in handling both personal and professional relationships, and managing your career and your life. Then ask yourself, if you were consistently clear, what would you be doing differently, and how would your life be different as a result?