When you want something TOO much

A few years ago, I was talking to a prospective new client, let’s call her Janelle. We were talking about discovering work she loved, and going through the steps of career transition. During our conversation, I heard her say, “Oh…if this doesn’t work, if I can’t find that one thing I’m passionate about – I think I’ll just die!”

That was my red flag. It told me, unfortunately, that she was TOO attached to finding her passion. SO attached that she was almost guaranteeing that it would never happen. She was sad and lost, and miserable in her work. Somehow she had decided that if she could find “her passion” then that would solve all her problems. She had decided that “finding her passion” was the magic cure, the only cure, and the only path to feeling good again. I knew right then that there was almost nothing I could do with her as a coach unless I could help her detach from “needing” this outcome so desperately – and an emotion that powerful isn’t something that detaches easily.

It’s the desperation that does it. Remember the last time you were desperate in a relationship? The other person was probably running the other way, right? The same thing happens when we are desperate for a job, desperate to lose weight, desperate to make millions, desperate for our kids to get straight A’s, desperate for anything to happen a certain way. Usually it doesn’t happen the way we hoped and dreamed it would – ever. In fact, the few times we are able, against all odds, to obtain what we so desperately want, we are in for a rude shock- the thrill lasts only a few minutes and then we are back in our slump again. We find out sadly that it didn’t change anything.

The only solution is to stop being desperate. But if you’ve ever been in this situation, you probably know, that you can tell yourself to stop being so desperate – and it doesn’t do a darn thing.

This month in the Aspyrre Community, we will be addressing this issue of getting overly attached to an outcome, and provide a step by step process you can use to help detach so you can more effectively achieve your goal. I will be running both an in person workshop and a telephone class with a workbook for those who are not in the immediate area. For more information on these classes, you can go to the events page or the home page and look at our “Upcoming Events” in the center.

This over attachment cycle is something that can truly drive one mad, and if you can relate, please join us in these enlightening and productive events that give you tangible tools – and some control back.

Daily Actions

Today I pulled out my list of daily actions. A daily actions check list is one of those super simple but very powerful tools – kind of like a to-do list. It’s not the tool itself that is so amazing – it’s how you use it. Some people are overwhelmed by their To Do lists, and those same people might get overwhelmed with a Daily Actions list, but here are some secrets to making the most of the tool:

1. Think of a set of small actions that, if done on a daily basis for a period of several months (or forever) will almost surely lead to success in achieving your goal. For example, you might have a set of 6 “rules” for eating, that if followed on a daily basis, will almost surely get you to your ideal weight.

2. The Daily Actions list builds on the power of habit building. Once a habit is established, it’s harder to NOT do it than do it. So if you build habits that naturally move you towards your BIG goals, you end up achieving more with less effort.

3. It will always take a lot of energy to do something before it becomes a habit, so while you are building a new habit, you will have a better chance of success with steps that drain your energy as little as possible. That means your daily actions should not take very long to do, and they should be pretty easy. Think in terms of “baby steps”.

4. Building on the baby steps concept, habits are built through frequency and consistency, so whenever you can break something down into smaller, more frequent steps, you will have better success. One example is with exercise. Instead of doing 1 hour three times per week, you may get farther doing (3) 10 minute routines each day.

5. It’s better to have fewer daily actions that too many. Keep in mind you can always add more later, once the habit is built. So if you pick 10 or fewer actions to do on a daily basis, and then you do them consistently for 1-2 months, pretty soon they will be so automatic that you will not have to think about them anymore. Then, if you like the daily actions tool, you can replace those actions with new actions and new habits.

My daily actions list has about 15 items on it. I have been using this list since November, and many of the actions are easy habits by now, but others I have struggled with. The ones I struggle with tend to take more time (like walking the dog for two miles – 40 minutes), or tend to occur in the afternoon or evening when I’ve crossed over into a reactive state, and am out of energy and not thinking as clearly.

But the daily actions list has become somewhat of a habit for me, and it has served me well. The good thing about good habits is that you tend to always “fall” back into them. And so, after a four day hiatus, I have pulled up my list of 15 items, and little by little am checking them off.

What daily habits could you create that would help you achieve your BIG goal?

Change that Lasts

Will you Really Change this Year?

If you could change anything, what would be different by the end of this year?  It’s a question I often ask clients, but in January, it crosses almost everyone’s mind.   The thing is, change doesn’t happen just by thinking about it, and that’s why most New Years Resolutions fail.  Our brains and bodies like habits because they make life more efficient, but if your current habits are keeping you stuck, it will take more than a burst of commitment to change them.   Here are five tips to help you make real and lasting change:

1. You need to know why it’s important to change, and your reason has to matter to YOU, at a deep emotional level. 

Too many people resolve to quit smoking or go on a diet because they know they should for their health.  The problem is they still feel ok, and the good feelings they get from smoking or eating are so much more positive, clear and strong than the concept in their mind of what it will feel like to be healthier.  Those who succeed are either scared by a close call (powerfully emotional), or they are able to attach themselves to a clear, emotional, and positive vision of themselves in a healthier body.  That clear vision and positive emotion is the thing that keeps them going as they develop new habits.

2. Get clear on what actions you are willing to take, for how long, and how you will decide whether it’s worth it to keep acting if you aren’t getting results.

The sad thing about most goals is that it takes longer to get results than what you would expect. When you don’t get results, it’s easy to get into a slump of not working as hard, which slows you down even more.    One thing that helps is rewarding  yourself for effort as opposed to results.  When you know you are putting in your best effort, it’s hard to get down on yourself, and easier to keep going until you’ve gathered enough momentum to start seeing results.

3. Detach yourself emotionally from failure, get used to it, and learn from it.

While it’s powerful to be emotionally attached to the vision that drives you forward, it’s painful to be emotionally attached to the little failures along the way.  You have to get over being embarrassed about looking like a dork, or comparing yourself to others who seem to be doing it better or faster.   The successful people in this world have failed many more times than the failures.  Who do you want to be?

4. Develop habits that support your success.

Habits and routines can form a strong foundation for success, helping you maintain consistent behaviors that build on themselves over time.  Your brain likes habits, and if you do the same thing enough times in a row it will become automatic.  Habits can work for you or against you, and the more habits you can develop to work for you, the easier it will be for you to create lasting and permanent change.   This works with meals, exercise routines, sales calls, building your network, managing people, running meetings, and just about anything else. 

5. Adopt a mindset that matches your change.

Your mind is powerful.  It dictates what you notice in the world, what you decide it means, how you respond, and ultimately what shows up for you.  It’s almost lucky that it takes awhile to make most changes on the outside, because if your mind doesn’t catch up, you can easily spiral right back to where you started.  The way to prevent this is NOTICE that running commentary in your head and THINK about how that running commentary might be different if you succeed.  Instead of “I need a smoke” every time things get stressful, it might be “I need a walk” or “a break” or “ten minutes to think with my door closed and a cup of tea”.   Start playing with new ways to think that match the way you want to be thinking about the world once you have succeeded.

6. BONUS – Get a support system!

Studies show that people are three times as likely to make a change when they have a support system in place – usually a group of people who are in it together.  You can put together a mastermind group, or join a support group, or even get a buddy to work with you, and the natural synergy and support will propel you forward.  I have to make a sales pitch here – JOIN the Aspyrre Community and as long as you show up on the phone calls it’s almost inevitable that you will change.  We are continuously learning and working with tools that help you move yourself to the next level, and hearing other people with similar challenges talk about their experiences is invaluable.

It all comes down to this.  Do you really want things to change this year?  If you do, you will need to do something different.  Something that moves you out of your current habitual way of living.  It can be as small as joining the community and showing up on calls or as big as moving to a brand new place physically and developing a whole new living routine.  But do SOMETHING different – and lay the foundation for real and lasting change.

Enlist a buddy, and Accelerate your Success!

How are you doing on your New Year’s Resolutions? If staying focused and gaining momentum are important to you right now, it might be the perfect time to enlist a friend to support you in achieving your goals.

Using a “buddy system” can be one of the most powerful ways to keep you on track and accelerate your success when you are trying to make a change in your life.

Consider this:

1. Of the top ten ways to quit smoking, doing it alone has about a 25% success rate, while getting involved with a program that utilizes the buddy system has a 50% success rate.
2. Universities have discovered that expanding the buddy idea into learning communities for freshman raises their grades.
3. Manufacturing plants use buddy systems to effectively manage quality control.
4. Health Care initiatives encourage the use of buddies because the act of helping someone else make a change motivates people to keep going on their own plans.

I used to think it was somehow “cheating” to ask for help in achieving my goals. But if I look back on the greatest successes in my life, they all happened with the support of a mentor, friend, or team. Working with a buddy created an energy that propelled me towards my goals more powerfully than all the individual passion and motivation I could muster. Interestingly, the goals I continue to fall short on are the ones I stubbornly pursue on my own.

How can you use the power of a buddy to double your chance of success?

1. Find one or more people with a similar goal and agree to meet regularly to share your progress, solve problems together, and commit to action items.
2. Choose someone who will support your success, but has nothing to gain or lose by your success. Someone who “needs” you to succeed will not always be open to your choices. By the same token, even your best friend will have a hard time supporting you if you are competing for the same job.
3. Choose someone who is confident enough to be direct. If they always agree with you so they won’t hurt your feelings, you are missing the chance to be challenged.
4. Make a commitment with your buddy to support each other fully until you each reach your vision of success.

Values-Based Goals

This is the time people like to re-assess their lives, but most New Year’s resolutions don’t survive through February. If you follow good goal-setting practices by writing specific, tangible, and trackable action plans, you have a better chance of success. But the most important reason resolutions, goals, and ideas don’t survive is this: they weren’t real goals in the first place.

Here are five quick ways to check to see if your goals are real:

1. The clarity check: Can you see it, taste it, feel it, smell it? Can you envision your life once you have achieved this goal? Do you know exactly what steps you will take to achieve it? Vague but emotional thoughts like “I’ll know it when it happens”, or “I’ll finally be happy when..” tend to be red flags. In this case pick one step that is clear to you, and focus on that.

2. The purpose check: Is it worth it to you to go after the goal, even if you don’t achieve it? If not, you will find it hard to stay motivated.

3. The gut check: Do you dread the thought of “going without” whatever you are planning to give up? Will it take lots of will power to achieve your goal? Then ask yourself what you get from your habit – and find a new way to get that need met so it will be easier to let go of.

4. The duplication check: If you’ve had this goal several times before and haven’t succeeded, make sure you are doing something different this time. You need to be able to answer the question, “What’s new this time that will give me a much better chance of success?” Get a support system – it’s the most significant difference you can make.

5. The commitment check: If it’s someone else’s goal, how excited are you about achieving it? What will you get out of it? Do you understand the rationale behind the goal? If that person were not invested in the goal, and told you to set your own goal, what would it be?

YOUR YEAR IN REVIEW – 2009 – 2010

YOUR YEAR IN REVIEW – 2009 / 2010

The following questions are different from your usual weekly report. They will give you a chance to really think about last year and get crystal clear on what’s most important for you this year. In your first coaching session of the year, we will review what came up for you, and create a structure to support you in building and living 2010 your way. (This is not an on-line form. Copy and paste the questions into a word document where you will have room to answer them, and you can send me your completed document via e-mail when you are through)

1. List 3 – 10 things you accomplished in 2009 that you are proud of:

2. What were the most important things that you learned in 2009, both in business, and personally?

3. What has changed, and as a result of these changes, how will your life be different this year?

4. How have you changed over the year, and as a result of those changes, what new possibilities exist for you?

5. What were your happiest moments in 2009, both personally and professionally? Is there anything you want to do to preserve and cherish these memories?

6. What are your regrets – is there anything you would have done differently if you had the chance, and how?

7. If you have already thought about goals and resolutions for 2010, list them here. If you haven’t, leave it blank for now.

8. What if it all had to stop now? (take your time with this one) If you had 9 months to live and 9 million dollars, what would you do?

9. What do your answers to numbers 5, 6 and 8 tell you about the values you want to make sure to live in 2010? No matter what goals you set for next year, and what you achieve, how will you know you are living each day of your life with purpose?

10. If you had unlimited resources and support to make anything happen, both in your professional and personal life, what would things look like by October of 2010?

11. List two big initiatives worth shooting for professionally this year. They should feel challenging, yet possible and exciting.

12. How will you have to change the way you work to give yourself the best possible chance of success?

13. List one big personal change you want to make this year. It should feel challenging, yet possible and exciting.

14. How will you have to change in order to give yourself the best possible chance of success?

15. Assuming you will have the best support system available to you the entire year, that this support system is ready, willing, and able to provide you with anything you need to give you the best possible chance of success, list the five most important things that you need:

Congratulations! You have completed the questions. Now, if you have any energy left, this is the place to brain-dump any additional thoughts, feelings, or open questions about last year, this year, or what came up for you when you answered the questions. You may e-mail this to me or keep it to yourself, but make sure to have it with you when we meet next, so that we can discuss.

Confusions Kills

Life is a journey, and it often doesn’t matter which road you take. But if you aren’t clear about what you want, you might not take any road, and that’s the most debilitating type of time-wasting; it’s the kind that takes your life.

As a coach, the first question I ask at the beginning of an engagement, and again at the beginning of every coaching session, is, “What do you most want out of our time together”? What most clients want most of the time is clarity. Here are a few of the most common examples:

1. I want to figure out what to do next in my life
2. I want to figure out how to handle this business situation
3. I want more clarity about why I’m reacting to this person
4. I need help making a decision I’m conflicted about

When you are clear, it’s easier to act decisively and move on. When you are confused, it can feel like an endless holding pattern, and it impacts everything you do. Overwhelm at work stems from not being crystal clear on the one priority you can focus on now to get the most impact. Weak negotiating comes from not knowing what you want and when you are willing to walk away. Ineffective networking, sales and job-hunting all stem from not being able to clearly articulate what you have to offer and how that maps to someone else’s need. And one of the most painful results of confusion is a pattern of consistent direction changes, as you force yourself to make decisions in the name of moving forward, and your lack of clarity plagues you with ongoing doubt.

If you feel confused about your direction, a situation, a relationship, or an upcoming decision, here are a few ways to move to a place of more clarity and better decision-making:

1. Know your values

Your values are not automatically the same as the values of your parents, church, community, or social group. You can often pick up on a values conflict when you know the right thing to do, but you don’t feel motivated to do it. An example is going after a prestigious job or high-income business opportunity. In the United States, we place a lot of importance on how much money someone makes, but people need to feel personally fulfilled. It can be confusing when you have an opportunity to make more money, but you aren’t personally excited about the work involved. This dilemma can go both ways. What if, as a mom, you believe you should stay home with your children, but it drains you, and you miss the intellectual stimulation and camaraderie you got from being at work? Most people have five to eight very clear and strong values. Know yours, and be willing to stand for them.

2. Know how much control you have

One of the exercises I do frequently with clients shows how much control you have in any given situation. Confusion often stems from trying to control something that you can’t control. Maybe you have a certain degree of influence over the situation. Maybe all you can really control is your response. Once you acknowledge how much control you really have, it’s easier to decide what actions you are willing to take, and when to stop spinning your wheels and let go.

3. Acknowledge your dreams and test them

A common fear from the “choosing a life direction” category goes something like this: “What if I tell everyone what I really want, and then I fail?” We all have “pie in the sky” dreams that aren’t completely realistic. The problem isn’t having those dreams; it’s clinging to them in secret. If you keep the dream a secret and fantasize that you’ll make it happen one day, that dream prevents you from considering any other opportunities or truly experiencing the life you are in right now. The best thing to do with a pie in the sky dream is: bring it to the surface and commit to doing something about it. If you do this, one of two things will happen: (1) you’ll realize how hard it’s going to be, and you’ll decide you want to go for it anyway, because it will be worth the experience even if you fail, or (2) you’ll realize how hard it’s going to be, and you’ll decide you don’t have the energy, but maybe you’ll discover another way to enjoy what you love about it within the parameters of your real life.

4. Resolve internal conflicts

Internal conflicts come up when you get caught between two things that are important to you, and it seems that they are mutually exclusive. For example, “I want to succeed in business, but I also want to spend quality time with my family”. If one side keeps winning out over the other, you might want to go back to item one and take an honest look at it. Perhaps you feel that family “should” be a value but it really isn’t? It might be hard to admit, but this awareness provides you with a powerful level of freedom and clarity. Let’s say you realize that you love working, and that you don’t really enjoy spending time with family. This doesn’t take away from your commitment to your family, but it empowers you to think about it differently. You can ask yourself, “What is the minimum time I could spend with my family so that I am living up to my commitment?” You may find that it takes less time than you thought. Perhaps you choose to reserve one hour, three nights per week to eating dinner with the family, and you make sacred a weekly 24 hour period from Saturday at 2pm to Sunday at 2pm. Turns out you could work after dinner every weeknight, put in a few hours Saturday morning and a few hours Sunday evening, and still provide your family with the consistent quality time they need.

5. Make all decisions right

The truth is, every road will take you somewhere, and provide you with great opportunities, as long as you are paying attention. Most successful people don’t make the right decisions all the time or even most of the time. What distinguishes successful people from those who flounder, is that successful people trust themselves, and make the most of their decisions. They choose to learn something from every experience, and they know that new opportunities can always be created, simply by taking action. If you are struggling with a difficult decision, the best question to ask yourself is: “what’s the worst that can happen as a result of each choice, and if it does, how will I still benefit”? Once the pressure is off, and you realize that no decision is going to ruin your life, you are in a much better position to make the best decision, because you are no longer afraid of the results.

When you think about it, confusion is probably one of the top two or three killers of personal effectiveness. One of the best ways to stay clear is to get a coach, and get into a consistent pattern of talking every week or two. While hiring a coach can’t guarantee that you will double your income or land your dream job, it’s almost certain that you will get more clarity as a result of your coaching conversations. Sometimes people hesitate to invest in a coach because it’s hard to measure the return on your investment. One way to measure this for yourself is to look at how often you struggle with confusion, not just in business decisions, but in handling both personal and professional relationships, and managing your career and your life. Then ask yourself, if you were consistently clear, what would you be doing differently, and how would your life be different as a result?