How to Say No With Class

Establishing boundaries on your time is critical so that you can prioritize and stay focused on what’s most important to you. But if you hate disappointing people, saying “no” can be a real challenge. Believe it or not, it is possible to refuse requests with grace. In fact, you can even empower the requester in the process! Mastering this skill will give you the time and energy you need to achieve what you really want. Here are some pointers to get you started:

1. Know when to say “no”.
If you don’t want to do something, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Ask yourself if it serves a higher purpose; is it in line with your values and goals? Gauge your internal reaction. Do you secretly feel resentful? A negative internal reaction, coupled with no clear connection to a greater personal goal, probably means you should be limiting, if not eliminating, this activity from your life.

2. Know why you are saying “no”.
Usually there is a positive standard or value you are upholding when you say no. You’ve committed to getting home from work before the kids go to bed, to exercise during your lunch hour, to get some reading or quiet time in order to balance your life. Protecting something positive gives your position validity, and increases your confidence.

3. Acknowledge your Requester’s position.
When someone comes to you with a request, it’s usually to help solve a problem or achieve a goal. At first, “no” may seem like lack of appreciation for the situation itself. Acknowledging the problem puts you on the same side of the fence, and sets the stage for exploring different possibilities. Example: “I know how important this project is to you; what other resources are available?”

4. Offer alternative solutions.
If you provide alternatives, you are helping without taking on unwanted tasks. The alternative may or may not involve you. Examples: “I have a class I don’t want to miss tonight, but I’d be willing to open up my morning for you.” Or, “I’m studying this week, but I know a website that has the information you are looking for”.

5. Shift the focus.
Moving the focus away from you and towards your requester’s success re-enforces your personal connection, and ends the conversation on a positive note. Convey confidence in their ability to handle the situation, shine, and even benefit from the challenge. Example: “You’ve been working hard, and I know you’ll make a great impression. I bet one of the sales reps would be honored to assist”.

When someone comes to you for help, looking desperate and stressed, remember that their stress is about their problem, not about your role in it. If you want to help, by all means, get involved. But keep in mind, your time is your responsibility, and you must choose what you are willing to take on. You can be a great friend, and offer incredible support just by being there to help someone calm down and get re-centered. What’s important is focusing on positive solutions, not the degree of your involvement.

The ONE key skill that drives Professional Success

One of my favorite books is Crucial Converations. I read it a couple of years ago, and there are two key things I keep going back to. Number one, the authors did several years of research looking for what sets apart the most effective people in organizations. They were actually surprised at what they discovered. For those of you who haven’t read the book, they ended up with a pretty diverse group of relatively normal people. They were only able to isolate ONE key factor that they all had in common. It was the ability to effectively facilitate open, productive dialogue in high stakes, high emotion, critical conversations, where most people aren’t comfortable coming clean with what is really on their mind. A great example is confronting a high level boss on what appears to be hypocrisy: advocating cost cutting measures while spending lots of money on personal perks. Another example is having the courage to admit you don’t buy into a corporate initiative that everyone else is going along with, or confronting a peer on unethical behavior. The people who can do this, and do it honestly, authentically, respectfully, and consistently, inspire everyone around them, and they win loyalty and followers, whether or not they are a leader on paper. They are the leaders who emerge naturally, because everyone wants to work with them.

The second thing this book does is put together a model that shows exactly what an effective conversation is. So if you want to work on this NUMBER ONE skill and develop it, you have an idea of what you are shooting for. It’s plain as day: you don’t react to or snap back at people who push your buttons, you openly say what is on your mind without judgment, you pay attention to the assumptions you are making about people and situations, and instead of living in your stories, you take the initiative to talk to people, find out what’s going on, and test your assumptions. Easy to see, plain as day. But really, really, really, really hard to DO!

Have you ever tried to honestly confront your boss and not feel like you are risking career suicide? How motivated have you been to open up to your most political peers? And, after you’ve been burned in a meeting in front of the very people you are most trying to impress, do you really have the energy to approach the offender and graciously ask if they intended to impact you that way?

So, you know what skills you want to develop, and you know what it looks like when someone has that skill fairly well developed, but making the required changes in yourself to actually master the skill-set can be daunting.

This is where I come in. The series of tools I use in my coaching practice are all geared towards moving you to a place where you can interact powerfully and authentically with others. Here are just a few examples:

(1) You learn to get a firm handle on what drains you, and you manage your energy more effectively, so that when opportunities for crucial conversations come up, you have the mental clarity and confidence you need to handle them better.

(2) You learn what is behind your emotional reactions, and why you react more strongly to certain people and situations. This enables you to control your reactions better so that you are able to have more effective conversations.

(3) You learn basic principles of what drives behavior, which helps you understand what might be going on when others act immature, inconsiderate, or even completely out of line. This makes it easier to confront the behaviors without negative personal judgments.

(4) You become more self-aware, and learn to question and test your assumptions as a matter of course, which enables you to consider multiple perspectives at once, make better decisions, and better facilitate meetings and important discussions with others, whether you are the “designated” meeting manager or not.

I’ve compiled all of this into a new Interpersonal Mastery program that has one purpose: to help clients focus on and build the ONE SKILL that drives professional success. The program can be brought into an organization as a series of workshops or classes, or it can be taught within an individual or group coaching program, and I have found what often works best is a combination of training and coaching.

But the best thing with this program is you can take it one step at a time. Interpersonal mastery is SO important, and it makes SUCH a big difference in your effectiveness within the work environment, that in one short two-hour presentation, you can get enough information to apply immediately and start seeing a difference in your conversations.

One thing I wonder, is if interpersonal mastery sets apart the most effective individuals within organizations, what happens to organizations that commit to increasing this skill in ALL employees? I have been parts of small teams that have achieved amazing results, and in all those teams we had open, productive dialogue paired with a shared excitement about our goal. If you provide the goal – I can teach the skills that pave the way to productive dialogue. Just imagine what could be possible for your team!

If you’d like to test this program out, the easiest way to do it is bring an initial seminar into your organization. You can treat your team to an offsite or, if time is short, you can start by setting aside an hour in your regularly scheduled staff meeting. Even the smallest step can make a difference.

I am willing to schedule up to four events each month for organizations located in or close to Orange County, California. If you would like to bring a workshop or presentation into your organization, please call (949) 495-1021, and we can get you on the schedule!